It’s getting hard to breathe

When I was five years old, I was diagnosed with asthma. I had to take my shirt off in front of the tech, who was male. I really didn't want to because I was embarrassed. I was also scared because they didn't know what was wrong with me. So I complied. The tech was kindly reassuring and thankfully worked quickly. It was absolutely freezing in that imaging chamber.

When I went through puberty, my asthma ramped up a few notches. I had an inhaler at school and I only had to tell whatever teacher I was with that I needed it and off to the nurse I would go for immediate relief from two little puffs. This only happened during spring.

When I was 20-something, my asthma disappeared. I had "grown out of it."

When I was pregnant in my 30s, asthmatic symptoms began to creep back. I was blindsided by a few scary attacks. Enter the preventive inhaler which I hate taking. My rescue inhaler is always with me. I have discussed allergy shots. For those who don't know about them, they are completely absurd. I could write a whole other post on that topic and I haven't even had them yet!

My diagnosis is not as bad as it sounds, though. My case is not as bad as others'. I've learned my triggers. Unfortunately, they aren't just hayfever allergies like before. Exercise, emotional responses, anxiety attacks, cold air, humid air, strong smells are all triggers now. Certain times of year are better than others.

When I wake up at night, it’s getting hard to breathe. Ever tried to breathe through a straw for a few minutes? Or accidentally taken a deep breath of campfire smoke blown unexpectedly in your face? Or can you imagine an elephant resting one of its feet on your chest? Or have you ever panicked? You can't panic when you're having an asthma attack. It makes the elephant lean harder on that foot.

These days, I read about people describing what sounds like asthma attacks. They are the people who have had COVID-19. I have to admit, I feel a little validated because, especially when anxiety triggers an attack, I wonder if it's in my head. Now, other people are describing symptoms I frequently fight. I feel so guilty for this response. What people are dealing with is not asthma, but something statistically more fatal. Not much is known about asthma, but far less is known about what humanity is facing weaponless. At least I have my trusty inhaler.

I have another advantage. I’m not alarmed by the breathlessness, the heavy, squeezy feeling, the stinging sensation with each breath. I’ve faced this my whole life. Most people getting sick have never felt those symptoms. I can't imagine how scary it must be for them.

It’s getting hard to breathe. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.