The crux of the matter

It's been a while, and memory is treacherous, but as best as I can recall...

I wanted to convey a strange ambivalence; wonder, fear, insignificance, everything that I was grapling with, the reason I needed an outlet like this.

But it's hard to cram an existential crisis into a username, so I settled on bittersweet to try and convey a slow, melancholy comfort, rather than a cold, leeching emptiness.

And crux, because it was the source of the ambivalence, the point where the sweeping crush of matter accretes into my physical form before it sloughs off into the universe again.

Again, this is the sort of thing I wanted to express, but I wanted the words to come from the dark behind my eyes, not filtered through any existing entity I had been.

Its been a long time since I created this username.

In the time since, I found a name I liked. I unified my abstract, scattered presence under it. I can read it, hear it or associate it with myself without flinching.

But lately, I've been spending a lot more time alone in the dark behind my eyes.

And so I find myself here, searching for melancholy comfort amidst the sapping cold.