Why didn’t you sleep well last night?

The following represents a snippet from my internal monologue whilst I lie in bed with anxious thoughts racing through my head. This extract contains around 2-3 minutes worth of those thoughts.

It's your fault he died.

You can't go to sleep right now. All you did today was pretend to work and watch sitcoms you've already seen. Nothing real happened. Your depression won again. You're a loser. You're a failure. You don't deserve to sleep. You should get up, get out of bed, go get your laptop, finish your stupid novel, make a plan for your charity that will never happen, start that online CBT course which won't help, just get your life right idiot! Don't just sleep with your dreams! Don't you want to be happy? Don't you want to feel happy for once in your life? Stop blaming him for ruining you, when it was you that ruined him. He was so young. So gentle.

You saved him from dying quite a few times. So, you couldn't save him in the end. No one can save anyone.

F**k. What's that noise? Is someone in my house? I left my door open last night by accident for like 7 hours...what if someone snuck in, crept upstairs, picked the lock of one of my housemates' doors, hid in wait and is now going to murder me in my own bed...I need a knife. Or maybe my umbrella, I can grab it, keep it under the covers and use it as a weapon to defend myself. Shall I pre-dial 911? No, dammit, 999, this is England! Those American sitcoms have really got in your head, as well as your mother's anxiety. No one is in the house. Oh god! I hear footsteps! No one is in my house. I'm all alone. My bedroom is on the ground floor. I'm so vulnerable. I'm going to die. Hang on...the doors creak...I haven't heard any creaking doors...ah. The walls are thin. It's my neighbours. The noises are from next door. No one is in my house. But...what if ghosts exist? What if he's come back to haunt me...

What if he you didn't argue? What if you were a better friend, a better housemate? You should have done more. He has a family. Maybe he wouldn't have taken that overdose...maybe he would still be alive...

Oh shit. I forgot to eat dinner yesterday. I'm hungry. Do I have any cereal left?

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