Epitaph

(We are in the bedroom of SYLVIA CONNOR. She is here now, asleep in her bed. Also on the stage is a bedside table, on which she has her cell phone, a table or desk on the far side of the room, on which we see a laptop, and a window, covered by a Venetian blind. There also need to be some clothes for SYLVIA close to hand that she can pull on quickly at the end of the play.

(KYLE PATTERSON enters. He seems agitated, almost frantic. He is wearing the cheap suit he was wearing when he died and which is now torn and stained with dirt, motor oil and blood. His head is partially covered by a bloodied bandage.)

KYLE: Sylvia! Sylvia! Sylvia! (No response from her) Damn. I’m not getting through. Er…(Leans in close to her; spooky voice) Ooooooooh!!! Boo! (Nope) Yeah, I would’ve been pretty surprised if that had worked. Um…(Sees window) Oh!

(KYLE goes to the window and pulls the blind open. The light falls on SYLVIA’s face and she wakes up at once.)

SYLVIA: What the…? How did that get opened?

(She gets out of bed and closes the blind.)

KYLE: Sylvia? Can you hear me? Hello? Sylvia? Boo?

(It is clear at this point that SYLVIA has no awareness of KYLE whatsoever. She picks up her phone and looks at the time.)

SYLVIA: Dammit.

(She lies back down on the bed, in the vain hope of getting a little more sleep before her day is meant to start.)

KYLE: No! No, don’t go back to sleep! Sylvia! (Grunts) This always looks so much easier in the movies! (Looks around room; sees her laptop) Hey…I wonder…(Cautiously, KYLE opens SYLVIA’s laptop. It comes on and he starts playing some music. SYLVIA is forced to get up again.)

SYLVIA: What is going on today?

(She turns off the music on the laptop)

KYLE: Sylvia, please, I need you to hear—

(As he says this, he puts his hand on her shoulder. She shivers)

SYLVIA: Ooh! What was that?

KYLE: (Pause; he dares to hope) You felt that?

SYLVIA: (Long pause; Then louder, as if to the room in general) Is there somebody in here?

KYLE: Yes! Sylvia, I’m here! I’m right here! How can I…how am I…

SYLVIA: (Overlapping)Because if there is somebody in here, you should know that I’ve got my phone with me and I can have the police here in a few minutes.

(NOTE: A lot of SYLVIA’s lines overlap KYLE’s. Obviously, since she can’t hear him, she doesn’t know she’s interrupting him.)

KYLE: No, you don’t need to call the…wait!

(KYLE goes back to the computer, opens a blank file and starts typing. SYLVIA, still listening for an intruder, hears the keys tapping. She turns, slowly, back to the laptop, which, from her perspective, is doing this all by itself. Her eyes widen.)

SYLVIA: Wh…wh…whuh…what…how…who…?

KYLE: C’mon, Sylvia. You’re so close.

SYLVIA: (Reading the screen) “Sylvia, don’t freak out. It’s me, Kyle. I’m—” Wait, Kyle?

KYLE: Yes! It’s me, Sylvia! I’m right here!

SYLVIA: (Pause) Who the hell is Kyle?

KYLE: (Beat) Okay. That sucks. (Goes back to keyboard)

SYLVIA: (Reading) “Kyle Patterson. We’ve worked together for five years. I died last week in that car crash?” Oh! That Kyle! But, wait, he’s dead.

KYLE: (Another frustrated groan; more typing) Where the hell is Michael Keaton when I need him?

SYLVIA: (Reading) “Yes, I’m dead. I’m a ghost. I’ve been trying to haunt you all morning.” A ghost? Haunt me? Wait…(Looks back at window) So, when the blind opened by itself…and when my music started playing…Kyle? Are you really here?

KYLE: Yes! I’m really—oh, right. (Types)

SYLVIA: “Yes, I’m really here. And I need you to listen to everything I say because it’s extremely important.” Okay, Kyle, I’m listening. “I was murdered.” Murdered? The police said it was an accident. “The police are in on it. At least some of them are. They’re working for Gilroy.” Gilroy? You don’t mean Michael Gilroy? “Yes, I do. They found out I was getting too close to uncovering the truth and they staged the car crash to get rid of me.” Wow…this is a lot to take this early in the morning.

KYLE: Oh, is it? Is it a lot? I mean, I’m actually, physically dead right now, but if you need a cup of coffee to get going…

SYLVIA: Is that the story you were working on? Something to do with Gilroy?

KYLE: (Returns to typing) “Yes. My assignment was…”

(KYLE Suddenly staggers back. He is weak)

SYLVIA: “My assignment was…” What? Kyle, what?

KYLE: (Groans) What’s…happening…to…me…?

SYLVIA: Kyle? Are you still here? Hello? Kyle?

KYLE: (Very weak now) Syl…Sylvia…I’m…

SYLVIA: What do you want me to do, Kyle? I want to help, but I don’t know how. (Pause) Hang on, Kyle! I know who can help! (Dials her phone)

KYLE: No! Don’t call…police…if Gilroy finds…ugh!

SYLVIA: (Waits for an answer) Hey, Liam. Yes, I know it’s early, but this is an emergency.

KYLE: Liam? Who the hell…?

SYLVIA: (Covers the phone) Kyle, Liam is my younger brother. He’s into sci-fi and fantasy stuff. He might be able to help.

KYLE: Wait, really? This is your plan?

SYLVIA: (Back to phone) Yes, I’m here. Look, I need information. About ghosts. Yes, I said ghosts. Never mind why! It’s extremely important. Do you know about ghosts or not? Okay, then. How can they communicate with living people? (Listens) Uh-huh…uh-huh…wait, say that again. Really? I see. Okay, thanks Liam. Yes, you can go back to sleep now. This has all been a crazy dream. Love you. Bye. (Hangs up) Okay, Kyle? Liam says that it takes a lot of energy for ghosts to make their bodies solid enough to touch objects in the material plane. So, opening my blinds, turning on my computer and all that typing? You may as well have just run a marathon.

KYLE: (Panting slightly) Well, that explains a lot.

SYLVIA: So, take your time, and when you’re ready, tell me what you need me to do.(She steps aside and gestures to the computer)

(Slowly but surely, KYLE gets up and moves toward the computer. He types as few words as possible.)

SYLVIA: (Reading) “Gilroy…killed…mayor?” Are you serious? Gilroy had the mayor killed? Why? “City…contracts.” Oh, the mayor wouldn’t grant him the construction contracts he wanted, so he had the mayor killed? “Y?” What does that…oh, “Y,” short for “Yes.” Good idea. Save your energy. Okay, so, Gilroy killed the mayor, you got too close and his people had you killed. Is that right? “Yes.” Okay. But we need proof. Do you have it? “Yes?” Where? Where’s the proof, Kyle? “Hidden…flash…cookies.”

(Upon typing the last word, KYLE falls back again. He understands now that his time is almost up. He’s done what he came to do. But he’s fighting back. Keeping himself in this world a little longer because there’s still one more thing he needs to say. During SYLVIA’s next line, he rises back up to the keyboard and types five more letters before giving up the ghost [so to speak].)

SYLVIA: What? Hidden…flash…cookies? What does that…okay, it’s hidden…where is it hidden? Flash…flash drive! It’s hidden on a flash drive. Where? Where’s the drive? Cookies…the cookie jar! In the breakroom at work! That’s it, isn’t it? Kyle? What’s this?(She reads his last message) “T…H…X…G…B.” What does that…oh…I get it. Thanks. Goodbye. (A solemn pause) Goodbye, Kyle. (She grabs her phone and dials; She pulls on some clothes while she talks) Martin, I don’t care how early it is, you need to listen to me. I need you to meet me at the office right now. Yes, I said right now. I have proof that Michael Gilroy had the mayor murdered. You heard me. I need you to meet me at the office and I need you to bring your brother. Yes! He’s the only cop I know for certain isn’t working for Gilroy. What? My source? (Pause) Kyle Patterson. Yes, I know that, Martin, but…look, I can’t explain everything right now…I may never be able to explain it. But we’ve known each other for twelve years, I think we both know I’ve earned your trust. So, trust me when I tell you that the biggest story in our paper’s history is in the cookie jar in the breakroom as we speak. Now hurry up and…yes, I said cookie jar! Now shut up and get dressed! (Hangs up) God, what an idiot! (Grabbing the last of her stuff) A dead guy told me I could prove the mayor was murdered by looking in a cookie jar. How hard is that to understand? (Exits)

(At some point during the above speech, the audience will have noticed that KYLE is gone. This effect needs to be pulled off without the audience noticing. He should just disappear. Gone to a better place, God willing.)