I Can’t Love You Yet

“Hey, Lauren?” Caleb looked over at his friend who was currently bussing tables. They both worked Cup of Joe’s, a small coffee shop in their home town.

“What’s up?” she said while still focusing on the task at hand. Caleb looked at her and felt a certain pressure in his chest. This happened more often than he liked. He didn’t understand why. It wasn’t like Lauren was traditionally attractive. She had a rather round face, a big nose, and some extra body fat. She wasn’t his fantasy girl, to say the least, but there was just something about her.

“This may be a random question,” he paused still debating whether or not this was a good idea.

“Shoot. There’s no question I won’t answer. I mean as long as it doesn’t involve my SSN or Tumblr blog.” she chuckled to herself. Could he do this? Was this even the right time? What about her made him feel this way. 

“Okay, well hypothetically how would you react if someone asked you out?” he mentally cursed himself for avoiding the real question, but it was too late to think about that now. He bit his lip in anticipation. Maybe he made it too obvious that he liked her.

“Good one,” she laughed. Caleb didn’t like it, it felt forced. “Guys don’t ask me out so I don’t have to worry about that.”

“What do you mean?” he was curious now. He hadn’t realized she had never been in a relationship before. It was never brought up in any of their previous conversations. 

“I mean guys don’t like me, Caleb,” she sighed. Maybe he shouldn’t have brought it up. “I mean look at me.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with what I’m looking at,” he told her causing both of them to blush. Sure she wasn’t traditionally attractive, but he still found her beautiful.

“Well, others do. In middle school, I was the punchline of many jokes. The worst option in FMK. High school wasn’t much better, but by then I didn’t care.” she admitted. Caleb felt his stomach turn, he hated that she had to go through that. How long did she live believing she wasn’t beautiful?

“And now?” 

“Now I’m used to it. Relationships aren’t in the cards for someone like me. It’s fine, I have other goals. No use fantasizing about something that won’t happen.” she moved to clear the table at the far end of the store. Caleb wanted to tell her how he felt. He wanted to tell her how he couldn’t stop thinking of her after his shift. How when he watched rom coms with his little sister he thought of her. How he so desperately wanted to kiss her, but now wasn’t the time. She needed to love herself before he could let himself love her. For now, all he could do was help with that.

“Well if it does or doesn’t happen, I still find you beautiful.”