Closed Doors

My sophomore year of high school,

i remember hearing a lot about the symbolism of doors in To Kill a Mockingbird.

″...closed doors meant illness and cold weather only.”

In my house, closed doors were the norm.

We all valued our privacy--

closed doors held hours of homework,

outfit changes, phone calls to friends.

We closed our doors to watch tv,

to brush our teeth, to pack our bags.

Our house had thin walls, and squeaky hinges,

and everyone heard if you peered out,

or stepped into the darkness to view the stars.

My brother made a habit of leaving in the middle of the night.

Every opened door was audible:

His bedroom, ten steps, squeaking hinges and rattling blinds on the back door, ten feet and one wall from the head of my bed.

The crunch of gravel.

His truck door, an engine turning over. Slam.

More gravel.

The same patern in reverse when he returned.

I don’t know why our parents couldn’t hear,

when every noise in that house had always been so deafening to me.

Every argument, every step down the hallway for a glass of water, every heavy breath.

But our closed doors preserved more than just our privacy,

they preserved our reputation.

Everyone always talks about what happens behind closed doors staying that way,

except,

my door didn’t sit right on its hinges,

and has never latched.

And i know that our walls are thin, never mind the crack always left in my shield,

and i can’t imagine how no one heard.

How nothing ever escaped the brick encasing our secrets.

Heavy breaths,

and torn sheets,

and yelling,

the formation of bruises,

and threats by the dozens.

My sobs, muffled into my pillow in the middle of the night.

When i could hear every time someone rolled over in bed.

Separated by ten feet,

and one wall.

And if ever rumors of the shadows behind our doors were whispered,

if ever a whisp of smoke escaped the fires behind our thin walls,

we searched for the crack that caused them,

sealed it up,

and never spoke of it again.

Except,

my door didn’t sit right on its hinges,

and never latched.

And we never stopped the fire from spreading.

And i escaped in a whisp of smoke.