raynaud’s phenomenon

she bled the brightest light

it blinded everyone that saw her hurt

sometimes they would give up on looking.

their eyes were worth more than that

it hurt to see her spilling everything she was through the tiles,

and i could never stop watching

it felt like looking from the wrong side of a mirror.

so i laid down next to her on the freezing floor

and saw the ceiling disintegrate under her gaze

i watched her instead

going home at night was so hard

the seats of her beat-up car leaned all the way back

i was surprised she didn’t put the stars out with her eyes

both our hands clutched the other’s

in that moment there was nothing else left to do.

my other hand wiped my face

shit, there’s just so much i can’t lose

i fought too hard to domesticate the fire

it was gone before i even got burned

i didn’t want to play this game.

i know i’m not a good person

but neither were you

i walked outside to the sound of sirens

breathe

my bare legs and orange hands were bitten by the january wind

the burn starts behind your nose when you’re looking up

running

she called when we were on cedar street.

there were no stars that night

“i can’t fucking breathe”

she helped me let go

and the dying sky still falls apart like it always does

i feel sick

full stop

she wouldn’t let me go

please

the lights flicker and fade

what is a beginning if not promise of an end