From Embarrassing to Sublime: How Time Heals
One of the most wonderful things about getting older is that sometimes those people, places, things, thoughts etc. that used to make me want to slink into oblivion from embarrassment has smoothed out into a reprieved island of sublimity. Oh sure, you could say that this reprieve is simply another way of looking at denial but dang I'd rather slather myself in the sublime!
Let me share with you three ways I have previously imagined quirky outcomes that would hover on the edges of my deepest inner secrets along with understandings about myself such as how I could be a classy klutz, hilarious when a speech impediment would surface from talking too fast, and be totally unable to knit no matter how large the needles or beautiful or fine the skein of wool.
1.) You've heard the saying, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere (cuz the manure's so high)". Over the years when I've shared this thought (writing and talking) from that humongous pile of caca would arise a pony with the further embellishments that if there was a pony then surely there would also be a bridle, saddle and blanket. What I didn't realize then was how my mind's eye was seeing that the little pony. Only when really zeroing in on what I "saw" did I realize it was THE LITTLE PINK PLASTIC TOY LITTLE PONY!!! What? Not a cute/beautiful real-life foal or filly? Nope, not in my brain.
2.) Fear of flying. There was a time in my life where my tremendous anxiety and spill overs into panic attacks distilled themselves into a phobia about flying. Oy vey the first few years of my marriage when we would fly from Texas to New York or California or Israel or Mexico I was filled with such a tremendous fear of dying, being hurt, being out of control that it was all I could do to just sit in my seat and not cling to the inner side of the plane. Over time I learned various techniques from using ear plugs, to listening to calming music, playing a game of cards, reading magazines, undergoing EMDR therapy and finally taking a prescribed medication but until then, there was always the tool of visualization. I feel like a pretty enlightened person who is very aware of psychology but man oh man when it came to visualizing something that could "contain my thoughts so that they did not infect the energy of the plane or pilots and thereby partner to the possibility of a plane malfunction" I was at a loss. So visualize Kramer from Seinfeld as me (even though I'm attractive and female) and see a scene unfold where we see that Kramer is visualizing himself wearing a beige plastic helmet with various wires---for the thoughts---coming up through the helmet and back down into a loop---to contain the thoughts. It actually worked pretty well for me. It wasn't until talking with a good friend who shared some of the same kind of fear of flying that I realized how very different my visualization was from hers. Whereas I had a beige (not even a pretty color) helmet on with wires all over it, my friend visualized a beautiful giant angel standing behind her lifting her negative thoughts into its hands and gently blowing them into oblivion. Her blowing thoughts probably became beautiful butterflies first blinking off as bright lights. I only admitted my visualization because the pay off was seeing her tip her head back as she built up to her fantastic laugh and let it out with tremendous sound from bottom muscles of her gut!
3.) Running away to New Mexico. The first 7 or so years of my wonderful marriage were full of fear and anxiety for me because of commitment and intimacy issues. I'm happy to report that I have grown up so much since then as we roll into our 26th year together but back in my fearful days I would often fantasize about running away. Just grabbing my purse and leaving my husband, dogs and cats behind. Which meant all my friends as well. It was a rather tamed down fantasy of what would happen if I died but instead I lived and was just gone. Anyway, so where would you imagine running away? You have the whole world at your fingertips, you have all kinds of life experiences to inform your fantasy so you could come up with something pretty fantastic, right? Not me. For some reason, I would always run away to New Mexico I guess because I loved the climate, the mountains, the people and after all, didn't Georgia O'Keefe end up there? But in my mind's eye, I'd always end up waitressing at a truck stop wearing a polyester baby blue or pink uniform with white cuffs, collar, little white hat and squeaky shoes...like Alice and Flo from "What About Alice." What? Really??! No wonder I stuck out my marriage....
These are just a few of the ways that I share my creative imagination with you gentle readers to give you a taste of how my mind interprets life for me. From a young age I was pretty aware that I "saw" things and therefore exhibited them (art, song, dance, etc.) very different from my peers. I learned early on that not sharing or at least flagrantly exhibiting my mind for all to comment, sneer, kid, judge on was probably a good rule of thumb though I always seemed to find some kind of outlet for my imagination in spite of my embarrassment.
Today I celebrate all my beautiful quirkiness and revel in its glorious nerd-ness. Turns out, I really love to make people laugh and so sharing the way I see things is a great way of doing that. It's even given me the courage to go through three Improv levels and sign up for the fourth level which starts in a week! Who me? at my age? What on Earth could I be thinking? I'm not sure, but what fun to find out and share with others what was once embarrassing and is now sublime.