The Return

Time slips away when uncertainty becomes the shadow you’re unable to avoid. Yes, one sad, evil day, everything just fell apart. She walked out of the door and never returned. I’ve been waiting for her ever since. But she’s nowhere to be found.

My heart aches in each passing second, knowing that the last time she and I spoke would be the last thing I remember, which can’t be a pleasant image to keep in mind. We exchanged words, very hurtful words I wish I could take back.

It’s too late now I suppose. 

I regret that awful day. So now I am living with it.

Remorse is really such a dangerous thing because it is like a sweet drug that eats you alive from the inside. I guess maybe I meant to be this unfortunate man. We all have to play with the cards we’re dealt with on the table since we cannot change or turn the wheel of life. 

No wise man knows what tomorrow is withholding nor can change his past.

I miss her a lot, like more than anybody could ever know. I miss how she used to whisper into my ears and sing to me with her soft voice, caressing her gentle body against mine. She used to run her long fingers between my hair, telling me she’d love me forever, and I miss how that used to give me butterflies, a tingling feel I’m longing to keep. 

She was my fire and the centerpiece of my life. Today, I’m mourning alone, and sadly cuddling the soft pillows of loneliness in the darkness, sleeping on a cold bed. Alone.

The things I have of her are her old photos and memories. I can feel her presence and the euphoric smell of her seduction she had left in my mind. I keep staring at her oceanic eyes like she’s right in front of me. Admittingly, she’s long gone like a raindrop that disappears like morning mist.

My alter-ego teases me all the time, “She’s not coming back!”

I despise that nagging voice inside my head. I know she may not be coming back. But it annoys me each time he says, “Stop this hopeless journey and move on.”

How in the world can anybody live without hope?

Every time I hang out with myself, that’s the only advice he insists on giving me like I can snap my fingers and stop, then suddenly everything will be fine afterward.

I hope others understand what I’m going through. But nobody does. I also want to show her how much I’m hurting deep inside. I want to show her how much a piece of me is chipping away because of her. Because at this pace, my heart may not handle any more pain.

I want to move on. God knows how much I do want that; I yearn to forget that she even exists or ever existed. But I know that’s not how life works; for it’s not that simple, turning off your mind and erasing everything that hurts within. The truth is, it’s hard when the raging fire you want to put out is burning inside your skull; the noises, regrets, memories, and longing. 

The list of pains is endless, all because of one special person who’s missing from your life. 

How ironic and stupid is that?

Regret, longing, and pain are real; believe me, I can attest to that. They wait on their moment so that they can hold you a hostage to fry your brain like electric circuits; they’re like a poison that kills you slowly from the inside while you’re still breathing. They light-up inside your head whenever they desire and turn your life upside down. Or they can make your heart skip a beat. It all depends on your luck which way the coin flips. I suppose that’s the price to be paid.

I’m still hopeful from a hopeless situation, although deep down, I am lying to myself.

I often go to visit the place where she and I met and fell in love, hoping to see her. Yet, her absence is what is always present when I am longing her presence.

Sometimes, I hear strange noises, and each time I listen to them, I quickly jump and rush to the door as if she is standing outside. But, nobody has ever shown up at my doorstep.

“Hey fool, she’s not coming back,” the same word that keeps ringing in my head.

I know what I need to do, but the challenge is how I am going to do it. I’m unable to forget her and move on. She’s stolen my heart and is occupying my mind.

All I know is that I can’t erase her bruises from my mind.

I see many strangers who’re frequent visitors to the place she and I met.

Maybe one day, she might be the one standing amongst the crowds with her embracing open arms and who says, “My darling love, I’m coming back to you.”

Her return is the only beaconing hope that’s keeping my broken heart dancing.

Midnightink 6-11-2020