hungry

**tw for eating disorder and not-so-great mental health**

you’re not// or at least that’s what you’re telling yourself// and then it’s true// because the ache is something// something clawing and alive inside you// something more than there’s been// because you’re drained// and it’s not the hunger

it becomes a challenge// count the hours to see how long you can last before you give in// and it gets easier as you go along// because chewing seems ludicrous// and you say you’ll eat the soup you made earlier but you can’t bring yourself to// not that it’s bad// not good either// but there’s tandoori in it and it makes your mouth water for a second// but you think too hard about it and you feel sick

this is a dance// you haven’t been doing until recently// you told yourself you’d never be one of those people// but here you are// it was never because of your body// though the effects are a bonus// if you cut 500 calories// you’ll lose a pound a day// seems too good to be true// but that’s not why you’re doing it// oh no// you’re doing it because you’re sick and tired of feeling sick and tired

the clawing is rising// you can feel the edge of the growl coming// before it rolls back down into your stomach// and you ignore it// and the weakness in your limbs// because it’s not worth feeding something that doesn’t do shit anyway// it’s a waste// and you’re a waste// so why don’t you just waste away