The Group

I met them in high school and I wanted to be a part of that crowd. My junior year of high school, they finally noticed me, made me a part of their group and I was estatic. No more lonely weekend nights. I was blissfully happy and grateful. As time went on, I wanted more. I developed crushes on those inside the group and vented my frustration when they all seemed to ignore me and fall for the "queen bee." Still, though the friendships continued, into college, though there was a bump in the road when I brought a toxic individual into the group and they seemed to take her side over mine. All of a sudden I was being left out, excluded from a girls' weekend to a family cabin, regular get togethers, etc. But I fought my way back. I met my now husband who gave me a sense of normalcy in my life. They wanted to get to know him, so they started inviting me to places once more. The toxic person, for the most part, except for two individuals, one who married a good friend of hers and another who was friends with her before and then introduced her to me, faded from our lives. Then I decided to write a fictionalized memoir. The intention was to gain closure on a romantic liasion that ended as suddenly as it begun and caused tumult in my early 20s. My friends had been a presence in that part of my life and influenced a lot of decisions that were made. They became part of the fictionalized background but in reading my work, they did not like my perceptions. The toxic person came back and wrote hateful, back stabbing reviews, ostensibly about my book, but really about me and my character. Like before, others followed her and took her side over mine. I was blocked, unfriended, and cut out of their lives. To be fair, there were ones who tried to stay my friend. Due to my own anxieties, however, I cut them out. One was still close to the toxic one, the one who introduced me to her in the first place, and I was afraid of what she might be saying about me to her, intentionally or not. I was also afraid of the questions she may ask about all that happened. So, and I'm not proud of this, I ghosted her. Stopped answering her calls without explanation. This caused more anger with my former friend's family and with the toxic one, causing her to spread more lies about me. Another person, one of the few who saw through the toxic one's true nature from the beginning, has made overatures to me. Expressing her desire to meet for a coffee. But I am scared to rehash the past. So, thanks to a ill guided fictionalized memoir, that has since been unpublished and the introduction of a toxic person into my friend group, friendships that have spanned 25 years ended just like that. I regret my part in this everyday, from the words I wrote without thinking about their consequences and allowing a toxic person into my inner circle, thus leading to the end of a spectacular era.