Tragic Calm

I’ve felt a tumultuous energy in my soul for quite some time, as if there is evil over my head, and something dark brewing in my heart: the head and the heart, two forces of nature, reason and emotion, both threatening implosion.

This implosion remains inevitable, but I can stave off its rage for a little while longer. I close my eyes. I am wearing a silk scarf around my head; I am old, weathered. I have many wrinkles, lots of worry lines, but smile lines too. I am driving into town; I live in a rural area about a half hour or so from town. I’m alone, but not lonely. When I’m back home, the sun is starting to set. I lay my body in the grass and look straight up. I watch until all the colors fade to black. By this time, I’m tired, a good kind of tired, the kind you feel in your bones.

I open my eyes. A sigh of relief escapes me. I’m laying on the floor of my college dorm, staring at the ceiling, wishing those white panels were stars instead. I’m getting tired, the bad kind of tired, an emotional and mental exhaustion, but my legs won’t stop moving.

I know as I lay there that this perfect future doesn’t exist. We aren’t meant to be “happy” on earth. By “happy,” I mean the mere feeling of happiness, the emotion. We’re not meant to have a long-term sustained feeling of happiness. Whenever I fool myself into thinking that this is an achievable goal, I am let down.

It is okay. Isn’t it enough to be merely content?

When you hear the word “tragedy,” what do you think of? Do you think of sorrow, pain, death? That’s what most people think of, but the Greeks view tragedy differently. If you read any Greek tragedies, it will become clear that they all have a common, unexpected thread; they don’t end in sorrow, pain, and death. Greek tragedies are full of sorrow, pain, and death, but they end in triumph and happiness. Not the feeling of happiness, but a certain contentment, a certain fulfillment. Through these plays, the Greeks fully embody the human experience. We triumph and sorrow; we suffer and we elate. The goal is not to avoid suffering, but to use it to get to the triumph, to happiness, a happiness that will last.

So, suffer. Feel your pain, and know that it is expected, normal, and even welcome.