The Sales Pitch
I was on a trip to Greece at the insistence of my sister-in-law and it was there, among the high mountains and swirling clouds, I met a Greek god.
I knew it was Dionysus immediately (thank you eighth grade literature) and I wondered what he wanted of me.
"Make me laugh." He stated simply. "Anything less I will have you executed."
That seems a bit steep, I thought, I'm just an American tourist. However, these were the things Greek mythology was made of.
I considered.
"I have just the thing, but I need a week or so to prepare."
The normally jovial Greek god was silent for several moments, apparently considering my offer.
"I will give you the time you seek, but it better be worth my while." In another swirl of clouds he was gone.
The funniest person I knew was my dad and his writing was just as funny (I thought so anyway, but I may be a bit biased). I knew I couldn't tell my family what I was up to they would never believe me I simply asked for a copy of one of my dad's books and a business card. The next part of my plan was going to be harder, I had to find a scholar at the local university that could translate English to ancient Greek, that was no easy task.
After searching the Internet and making several phone calls I found a scholar willing to hear me out. Again, I didn't mention why I needed such a random book translated into a Greek, no one would have believed me.
The scholar was about five or ten years younger than I was with an average build, dark hair and sallow skin.
He frowned as he studied the book.
"This will take me a while, even with the software I have access to."
"I need it in a week." I replied flatly.
The young man sighed.
"I'll do my best."
I only hoped that would be enough.
I barely took notice of the sightseeing and activities my family did over the next several days. I was too anxious to see how the translation would come out or if the humor would be lost. Finally the scholar called and said the translation was ready. When I arrived in the small cramped office I was handed a large bound folder, the book was all there printed neatly on what looked like an entire ream of paper.
"Hope this is good enough." He said with a small smile.
I nodded and thanking him.
You and me both. I thought.
Lugging the large folder with the rest of my hiking supplies I returned to the trail in the mountains where I had encountered Dionysus. Several minutes later he appeared, as if on cue.
"Have you completed my request?" He asked without preamble.
"I have." I replied just as succinctly.
I handed over the folder.
"It's a story my dad wrote, it's the funniest thing I could think of I thought you might enjoy it."
Then Dionysus sat under a small tree nearby, which was dwarfed by his large rotund frame and opened the folder I hoped his infinite knowledge allowed him the context the story would need, what a "zombie" was and what a "turkey" was. I also hoped the translator had added footnotes for clarity.
Dionysus was silent for what seemed like an eternity studying the pages over and over the only sound was of the turning of individual pages.
He was almost finished reading when he began to laugh. It started softly then turned into a chuckle then a full-blown belly laugh that almost upset the entire ream of paper.
I wondered what had made him laugh but it's possible he found something else funny that a human wouldn't. I waited anxiously.
Finally he filed the papers away in the folder, close it, and set it aside.
"It was interesting." He said mildly. "You humans are funny creatures I'll never understand your actions even with my own knowledge. Funny story, with funny humans doing funny things and birds going crazy. I like it." When I finally looked up he was smiling which made his face seemed even wider and rounder than it already was.
"You pass, mortal. I have never been more entertained." With a brief nod he was gone again. That was a god for you.
I made the trip back down the mountain feeling more relaxed than I had in days. It was certainly going to be a vacation I was never going to forget.