How dare you

I come to sit by your hospital bed. I usually come late, to give your parents a chance to spend some time with you. They come here every day, too. Your mum brings chocolates every so often. One night, I contemplated eating them. I didn’t even think of it because I was hungry, or bored. I had this ludicrous idea that I could make everyone think you’d woken up, eaten the chocolates, and gone back to sleep. Definitely wouldn’t be any talk of pulling the plug then.

I remembered the hospital is monitoring you twentyfour-seven and they’d be the first to know whether or not you woke up. So I chuckled, right there, by myself. I started explaining why I was laughing. Sometimes, when I talk to your face like that, I almost kid myself you’re hearing me. That you’ll come back and remind me of everything I said.

There are so many things I want to tell you. Oh, I saw a really funny meme today. I was listening to a gorgeous song while I walked through the park. You would have loved it. I want to tell you what it’s like to go to work, now. See that new girl at your desk. Her name’s Jemima. There’s nothing wrong with her. But I’d still like you to meet her. I'd ask you what you thought, and you’d roll your eyes or whisper in my ear about that thing she does with the gum on the end of her pencil.

I want to tell you about that time I got home late, hoping to finish off the Chinese food, only to realise the last time I ordered Chinese food was weeks ago. There was mould growing inside. I sat on the toilet afterwards, wishing you’d been there. You probably would have yelled at me, and then burst into a fit of giggles. The other day, I caught myself missing the way you cry. Can you believe that? I teased you so much about the way you cry at everything. Told you to woman up.

I’d like to talk to you about what it’s like to talk to all of your extended family. A lot of them had never met me. I freaked out to your dad that the next time I see them might be at a funeral. He took it really well, your dad. Put his arm around my shoulder. Then, and this is how I know you’re biologically related, he started to cry.

You know, when you first had that car crash, I was so incredibly furious. Livid with rage. I thought how dare you, you stupid blind driver. How dare you make me go through this? Making me meet your extended family, eat Chinese food, forget about leftovers, sit on a toilet bawling, criticise a co-worker without you? Life without having you to talk to sucks. People say you should never date someone you work with. Because when they let you down, you never escape their presence.

Well. Your absence is heard, loud and clear. But before you get any ideas, I’m not moving on. So you better wake up, just so I can tell you to never drive again, complain about Jemima, worry about upsetting your dad.

Please, come back, okay? I’ll come to sit by your hospital bed every night until you do.