Countless Lies and a Truth.

It’s me again.

Look, it was messed up from the beginning. It was never meant to last. I couldn’t help you. You thought I could. I’m sorry to have misled you. I think that you thought I was your savior. I am not a savior. I have not figured out how to be my own savior, let alone yours.

You see, the problem was that I said yes, and I kept saying yes. The “yes”es and the “not a problem”s, the “no need to apologize”s and the “you’re not a burden”s... they added up. They stacked themselves messily in my brain, each fighting for space, each occupying my thoughts, each chanting in unison- “Liar, liar, liar.”

Sometimes I would lie in bed and picture what it would be like if you were gone. I know you’ve thought about it too- you told me of it in dark hallways, the feeling that if you were gone, things might be solved. I didn’t believe that things would be solved. I believed that you would be gone, and I would be left behind, crying and wishing I had done better by you.

I have cried for you too many times to count. I have cried for you and tried to hide it, cried for you and not bothered concealing it, cried into my hands, cried into your shoulder, cried in the backseat of a Toyota while the world raged around you.

I find it hard to imagine that I still have tears left for you. Hard to imagine that I can’t imagine a world without you. Hard to imagine that one day you might be gone, and though we haven’t talked in months, the lies I told you would still chant at me- “Your fault, your fault.”

And yet, that doesn’t change the fact that despite the lies I told you, you weighed on me. I cared about you too much to listen to all of your heartbreak and remain whole, my own heart unbroken. I don’t know if you realized it, but the whole time- I was there. I was listening. Sweetheart, I am not a void. I could hear you, and it made me hurt for you.

I don’t know if you realized that there were things I needed to say as well, things I needed someone to listen to, and that you couldn’t be that person for me because I could only listen, never talk, when I was with you.

I don’t know if you realized that sometimes people don’t fall in love- sometimes they choose it, and sometimes they have to choose to move on.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be more for you. For what it’s worth, I think I love you.

Please love yourself. You deserve it, after all the world has given you. After all I've given you.

I wish I knew how to say goodbye.