the letter i’ll never send

Dear J,

you will never read this letter. i made sure of that—there’s not one social media platform that we’re both on where i haven’t blocked you yet. and i’ll tell you a secret: i thought about sending something like this to you just so i could at least pretend that you acknowledged i existed. which wouldn’t be fair, of course, because neither of us seem to acknowledge that we knew each other at all, so why should i expect so from you? maybe it’s because i wanted an apology. gosh, that stupid apology. i wanted (past tense) to forgive you. i wanted you to forgive me. and you know the funny thing? neither of us would know exactly what we were (would be?) apologizing for. for nothing? for everything? for the words we said, or for the ones left unsaid? i don’t know. i don’t know. it’s been three years and i still don’t know. but i need to let go.

i lie to myself sometimes and say that i wish i’d never met you in second grade. it’d save me the heartache. it’d save you the heartbreak. (but did your heart break? am i sick for wanting you to hurt just as much as i did?) you hurt me. you hurt me so much. i could handle people thinking that i was the snooty, smart, popular girl back then and you told me every time how good i was but i know that you must think it now. i know you would shame me now. (i don’t know if demonizing you despite not knowing how you are in the present is a way to cope but it works it works it works it works.) you used to spew all that religious stuff (you didn’t look me in the eye when i got fake married to my other two gal friends? it was for pretend and it was all a game but you told me to repent forever and ever and i think that was when i started being angry at what religion could do to me.) and you shamed them and you’d shame me and you did you did you did why did you do it? you were (past tense) my world and you knew it. you were my best friend and we planned to attend the same university together and you knew it you knew how i gave you all of my heart and i still wonder what you gave me in return. i wasn’t the best i know i’ll admit but you knew it you knew it and i wish you’d just admit it. and then there was the incident and then i forgave you but then everything went downhill and i hated you for it but i still loved you all the same.

and then it was radio silence. there was no massive fight between us to end all things. things weren’t okay between us, they were awkward, but at least we were friends, and then we just stopped. stopped texting every hour of the day. radio silence. and that was the end. i haven’t talked to you since that day three years ago. and all i wanted to do was let go.

the truth is that i hate being vulnerable. even the things i write are surface level reflections of what i choose to show and i think maybe that’s why i haven’t sent this. because i hate being vulnerable and sending this to you would be asking for something and that would be vulnerable because it would give you the chance (again, again, again) to give me nothing in return. did you know you’re the reason i had such issues in how close i’d let friends be to me? i was so so so terrified that i’d give another friend my all only to be met with something halfway that i just couldn’t anymore. i grew colder. i got more scared of liking someone more than they liked me. there was a distance that i held them at and it was all me and an insecurity borne from you. but that’s not who i am and you knew (past tense) it. because what sunny v. does is love and love and love. and i know it’s not right to pin it all on one person but gosh the issues i have just from you alone is. well.

and that’s the past now. i’m better. i’m older, just a bit, maybe. i’m less cautious in the people i let see different sides of me. i’m still writing, and i know you are too. sometimes i’ll get published in another magazine and i’ll see your piece right below mine. and it’s bitter, maybe, it stings (present tense), but i’m going to let go.

because the truth is that you hurt me. and it was your fault, but it was also mine. we both could have been better, but i wouldn’t change things. not really. because the truth is that i will never see myself being on good terms with you again, but that doesn’t mean i haven’t forgiven you. we will probably never speak again and i will never get the chance to hear you ask for my forgiveness, but i have. i’ve done it. i’ve forgiven you, and i didn’t do it for you. every time i see your name, i remind myself of this. because holding on to my hate feels like i’ve let you win. so i’ll let go.

so without even asking for it, i forgive (present tense) you. i will never forget you. and i forgive you. you will never see this, but i’m putting this past me. the truth is that i used to think of whether you still thought of me and how it all went wrong the same way i did. and now that i’ve decided to forgive you, i realize that i no longer care. so this is goodbye: to the memory of you, which is all i have left.

i hope you’ve forgiven me, too. because i’ve let go (present tense). and i want you to, too. i think we owe each other this much.

until we meet again,

Sunny V.