Excerpt- Here’s To Everything I Didn’t Say

I never properly understood the concept of love. It was something no one could properly explain. In asking my mum once, she told me that love was admiring all the little things he did. She said it was wanting to be in his presence all the time and when the two of you finally separated, you felt devastated but hopeful because you knew that you would meet again.

I asked my grandma once and she told me about her friend Lila who kept forgetting her husband was dead. Every morning, she would wake up and prepare his usual cup of tea. She would set it in its usual spot, on the little blue table, in the kitchen and wait for him to come back from walking the dog. When he didn’t her eyes would fill with tears and she drank his cup.

I asked your mum once. My mum scolded me for that. She whispered to me that there were things I didn’t understand and tried to take me away. The next time I came to your house, your mum sat me down and explained to me that love was a rainbow. She told me that it wasn’t always there and you would hold out hope for it every time it disappeared. You pray for it to rain so you could see that rainbow again. For you to feel the rushing emotion of joy whenever it appears. And at 7 I believed it to be rubbish. Even when she looked away with tears in her eyes and gripped my little hands tightly, I still thought it was rubbish. Back then, love was the silliest thing to me. Why would we wish for something that would bring tears to our eyes?

I understand them now. I understand why their eyes filled with tears and why their voices would tremble. Well I first understood when I was 14 but now that I’m 20, I feel it too. Love is taking a photograph of your favourite book and hoping the picture lives longer than the actual book. Love is sitting outside during a storm and hoping you will be safe. Love is all the dangerous and beautiful things that we appreciate. Love is sharp and dirty and brings tears to our eyes. Love is pretty and it tastes like my favourite candy. Love is the stupidest thing to me, so when they told me to write this for a grade, I rolled my eyes. It doesn’t matter how in love I am with you, I will always hate love with my being.