Things That Happened During My Teenage Years

Things that happened during my teenage years that I would never wish upon a teenager.

My eyes were filled with tears yet they were too dry to cry.

The wrists of mine that I always cherished for being unmarred ran with red many days a week.

I didn’t eat. Well, I ate so my mother would leave me alone but at night when I lay in bed I would curl up because the pain was too much. The stabbing in my gut would travel to my heart and I would want someone to hold me but I had no one.

My mother slapped me around a couple of times because I was disrespectful. How was I disrespectful when I just answered your question?

My tone? There’s nothing wrong with my tone. It’s how I talk to everyone who doesn’t respect me and just because you birthed me doesn’t mean you deserve special treatment.

I wished to die but at the same time, I wished I didn’t because I refused to break my best friends heart. I refused to leave the two of them with a hole in their hearts. A hole I was sure would heal pretty quickly but I didn’t want to chance it in case it didn’t.

I didn’t want to be wrong and have them carry guilt around because they couldn’t save me.

My best friend made me promise I would not do anything stupid because he knows someone who spent weeks in a mental institution because she tried to kill herself. He doesn’t want to remember me that way.

My stepfather caressed my wrists and then my thighs and he worked his way up to my bra clasps. He unpinned my bra and let it fall from my shoulders all without removing my shirt.

And I screamed.

I screamed and cried and begged someone to help me. But no one helped me except for my tears.

He got tired of drinking in my tears so he shoved me away and got angry with me and left me there to cry. He left me there to cry but I didn’t cry because I was on my way to ruining myself. My relationships were a mess but I would always receive the hate I gave. Until one guy was too soft, the kind of guy I always said I wanted.

But he wasn’t the kind of guy I could handle because I broke him with my sharp edges and frigid words. And I was never apologetic.

Instead I simply just ignored his existence and pretended like we never happened.

And I speak of these things like they happened so long ago but some only happened last week. I act like my teenage years aren’t killing me slowly.

I act like the clinical psychologist I was seeing wasn’t about to diagnose me with depression and bipolar disorder.

I act like she wasn’t toying with saying I had anxiety too.

But I left that clinical psychologist when I saw what she was thinking.

I don’t need people airing my ugly truth to me because then I might fall apart.

Things that happened during my teenage years that I’m still living.

I still curl up in bed and hug my favourite stuffed animal when the pain gets too much.

I still shudder when my stepfather looks at me but I keep wearing my shorts and tanktops.

My wrists are no longer stained red but they seem to be forever marred.

And that’s not okay but it’s simply just my teenage years.