Suicide Note

I would always wonder what would be in a suicide note because I could never grasp the concept. Why would you be apologizing for finally getting the freedom you wanted? Sure the people you live behind love you but they want you to be happy. What would even go into a suicide note? Would you tell everyone you love them and give them the reasons why? Would you do it to give them closure? Because to me, it made no sense to write that note. What was the point? A silly little note would not give them closure. Putting your body in the ground would not give them closure. Learning of your aches would not give them closure. Yet people still write those notes as if they aren’t going to blame themselves for not seeing anything. And I may judge them for writing those notes but here I am penning mine.

Tell Lindsay that I’m sorry I never made her my iced coffee. Tell her the book I wanted her to read is saved on my computer. Tell her one day we’ll have that tea party and she’ll learn of everything I had to spill. Tell Lindsay that I adore that grey screen cardigan hoodie she gave me and I wore it forever. Tell her that I should have told her I loved her a lot more because no one was as good to me as her. Tell her I’m sorry for being cold and closed off but she didn’t need to realize how broken I was back when we were still kids. Tell her that I love her and I’m sorry that we won’t be travelling the world.

Tell Richards that he couldn’t have done anything. He shouldn’t beat himself up or feel guilty for my weakness. Tell him it was a long time coming. Tell him he would never understand all that happened in my head when he wanted me to be okay. Tell him I’m sorry for never given him that notebook. Tell him I’m sorry for not telling anyone else. Tell him I’m sorry for the blood that stained my wrists and if it reminded him of that girl then he can hate me. Tell him I know he will never hate me. Tell him I’m looking forward to best friend dates and those memories I wish to make for my scrapbooks. Tell him I’ll miss him more than anyone else. Tell Richards that I’ll get him his chocolate milk and burger one day, even if I won’t deliver it myself.

Tell Akira I’m sorry she knew nothing. Tell her I’m sorry she was too naive to realize those dying on the inside. Tell her I hope this doesn’t shock her because as much as I tease her, she was the only pure thing I had in my life. Tell Akira that I still have that ruby red bracelet she gave me for my birthday. Tell her I still remember the little story behind it. Tell her for me please that I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend.

Tell my mother I hate her. Tell my mother I love her. Tell my mother I don’t blame her. Tell her that my mask was so good around her that she would have never realized. Tell her that it wasn’t her fault that she never saw it happen. Tell my mother that she had built the foundation already and it was sturdy. Tell her that the reason it crumpled like paper was because I knew nothing of building.

Tell my father… don’t tell my father anything. He doesn’t deserve anything from me.

Tell my siblings I know I was a brat. Tell them that I know that they loved me and the problem with our relationship was me. Tell them I had so much to say but at the same time I couldn’t.

Tell the boys I played with that I’m not sorry. Tell them I know I should be sorry but I’m not. Tell them that I said it was a lesson well learnt and they shouldn’t let it hold them back… don’t tell them anything actually. Don’t tell them anything I have to say so I can disappear from their minds and it can be like I never existed.

Tell Roger that I forgive him. Tell him I no longer feel his hands under my shirt and unclasping my bra. Tell him that once upon a time I would have hurt him but I’ve been over that for a while. Tell Roger that he was a villain in my story.

Tell my cousin that I hate him. Tell him I forgive him but remind him I hate him. Tell him he was supposed to protect me and he didn’t. Tell him I hate him.

And please do me a favor. Tell Bre that I’m sorry I left her in a cruel world. Tell her that the world messed me up and I was too weak to fight back. Tell her that I crumbled and she shouldn’t. Tell her that I’m glad she looked up to me all those years and I’m sorry I left her.

I lived a life where I have to say sorry a lot but there are so many thanks to give.

Tell my favourite blue mason jar that I said thank you. Tell it thank you for allowing me to fill it with the iced coffee that kept me going for so long.

Tell my favourite notebook thank you for keeping all my secrets. Tell it that no one knows me better than it does.

Tell my favourite hoodie that I still love it. Tell it that it made me feel safe when I was alone.

Tell my books thank you and I’m sorry I had to leave. Tell them that someone will take care of them.

Tell them all that someone will take care of them. Tell them that the someone is me. Tell them that my heart has been broken so many times that I could never bring myself to break any other heart. Tell them that if the world doesn’t want me anymore then it has to pull me out kicking and screaming.

Tell the world that I’m not afraid of it. Tell it that I won’t do its dirty work so it can appear as innocent. Tell the world that if I die then it will be at its hands. Tell it that everyone will know what it did. Tell the world that if it wanted me to write a suicide note as an exit…

...it should have told me what to write.