behaving badly

i said i come from a broken home

he said i like women who scare me

i wonder what he thinks of me

in romantic relationships i drag my legs like matches and watch as the men run from my fire

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in an alternate, pre-covid universe, i am unsteady on my feet & ready to wait out 2020

i told my sister i was sorry

i had behaved badly

there had been too many dinner parties with her future in laws where i had left the table crying because i am too broken to ever have in laws

a festival of self pity & inner horror that this is who i have become

gulping red wine and getting drunk, telling men about my broken home and later, going home and realizing i am truly awful

will i still be your maid of honor

of course, you're my sister

but i realized she had already made up her mind about me & i could feel that her insincerity would creep up on me eventually

like the feeling when you put down a shot of tequila and know if ten minutes you'll be wasted, but not yet

when you know you'll be swimming in regret just momentarily but not for this brief, pre-grief moment in time, frozen perfectly before the emotion crashes down like so many violent waves

later that night i cut off all my hair & smiled because that's not how i felt inside

i took the scissors and cut off each strand of hair one by one

if you haven't done it you should

unless you bleed differently than me

somehow i must be better than this

i called to apologize about my depression & she said that is absolutely not the point

you are reactive and not your depression

i had slammed the door in her face & cried the entire way to the mental hospital

some stories i wish weren't true.

but what if your values and belief systems are controlled by someone you don't recognize in the mirror?

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later on in the mental hospital she visited me with her fiance and looked with bewilderment at my hospital gown

i said we come from a broken home

she said you wear your depression like a blanket and it's not attractive

i will never see her moon shaped face again

i will drag my feet like matches for the rest of my life