Darling

As my mind toys with the thoughts built on late night and early morning conversations I find myself not quite writing a short piece because I can’t, but instead a letter of ruminations. Not all things are easily unwound, dissected, and explained and I don’t want to understand everything. Not all things feel like they were supposed to happen but when I’m with you I feel like that was supposed to happen. My hands can do the work that my mouth can’t as I try my best to explain what you mean to me.

I’m a writer who isn’t good with words and often find myself repeating the same ones. I try and see the best in people while still keeping my wits about me but when I look in I can’t see the reality of who I am, I can’t see past the bad, I can’t figure out who I was and who I am. I can’t see the best of myself and that’s the worst because it keeps me from trying to be better. It drains me of every drop of motivation I could have before I have it. But when I see myself the way you seem to, I see the good and makes me want to be better. It makes me want to prove to myself that I’m worth the love that you give me.

I don’t want this to put you in a position where you feel responsible for being the steady side of my unsteady mind. I don’t want to put more on you than you can carry because no one deserves to be the one carrying the weight of another’s grief. That’s what it is, in all sense and purposes, it’s grief that brings me to my knees in the dark. It’s the grief that makes my shoulders shake and eyes pour. It’s the grief that comes from my losing myself and it prevents me from uttering a word as my heart catches in my throat.

But you make me smile and when I’m sad I don’t cry because I feel your presence when you aren’t around. I don’t fall to my knees. I don’t find myself shaking and if I do it’s only because I’m laughing. You make the hard times easier and I hope I do the same for you.

Perhaps all of this the rambling of an empty mind and maybe it’ll make sense to you. I write to you an essay of love that is complicated and common but is not easily explained. I could have said all of this simply, I could have stated my thesis before I got to the conclusion, but I don’t do things the easy way it appears. You make me a better, happier person and you know I giggle and laugh when I’m nervous so there was no way I was going to be able to say all of this to you but I can write it. I don’t know if any of it made sense but I hope it does to you.

All of this to say that at the same time I know this isn’t all of what I want to say. You are an amazing person, I love the way you make me feel but I’m in love with who you are. Anyway, thank you for reading this longwinded way of saying I love you.