and calls you by a name now unknown || Pretty Little Thing pt. 2

your deadname has come up more in the past week than it has in the past year

["x?"         "i go by y" 

 "x?"          "it's y, and here"

 "x?"  "x?"   "...here"]

and you feel your legs shudder when she says it

[can't let any other part of yourself shake or she'll see it, the camera is on]

it looks foreign on paper, on screens, when you're seeing it, 

but you hear it and it sets off a visceral rattle in your spine,

the syllables crawling under your skin and taking root in your nervous system

[by god you are a system of nerves at this point,

anything could stall the breath in your lungs just a second long enough to be noticeable and

you can't let her see; you can't let anyone see]

you don't remember the rest of the conversation.

it goes in one ear and out the other, echoing a bit in your brain on the way. 

when it's over, you hang up, nearly collapse over your computer,

and breathe breathe breathe 

hug your chest and remind yourself

as long as you are breathing you are fighting 

and you are not done fighting. 

but you still can feel "you'll always be my baby girl" pooling in the bottoms of your lungs hours later.