a guide to eating

to the time my dad asked what I did in rehab besides eat

look around with wide eyes and take in every body type

to the girl who cut her pizza into microscopic slivers & ate it with a fork and knife, her mouth a grim slit

plate full to the maximum calorie meal plan, her waif like appearance & avoidance of eye contact a palpable fear of gaining weight

to the slightly overweight middle school gym teacher who suffered from bulimia, almost never spoke up & had an air of complete defeat

they took me aside and asked about my fear foods, one of which was chocolate & I was presented with it later that day at lunch, horrified at how obvious it was

to the girl who modeled and danced, with eyes that shimmered with insecurity and false confidence, desperately trying to believe that she would be ok

I later learned she would go to rehab four more times and never recover

to the girl who also wouldn't eat the challenge food of potato chips on one Challenge Food Day. We were put in separate rooms and asked to eat one potato chip. It took us twenty minutes, but later she said to me: I did it because you did.

that young woman exercised so intensely that she permanently damaged her knee, wearing a brace, who referred to her eating disorder as Anna & gave her complete control over her life

years later I ran into that young woman at a coffee shop. we exchanged numbers & struck up a conversation we are still having about our bodies; our pain remains largely unspoken, but it is under the surface, the knowledge that eating will never be easy.