You Will Know

My shift ended late, but thank God it had finally ended. If I heard that call bell buzz one more time my head would have exploded. This has been the third straight twelve-hour shift with the back-hall assignment. What were they thinking? Were they out to get me? Who could possibly maintain their sanity after three days of that? Mrs. Batterman in 1222 was constantly calling for the most trivial needs. Mr. Johns in 1224 kept crawling out of bed and falling on the floor. That new resident changed his orders at least fifteen times in one shift, and the nursing assistant was too busy on her cell phone and at the desk on the computer to help me do anything. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. I’m not sure why I volunteered to work this extra shift, but the extra money will come in handy. Anyway, after tomorrow I will have a whole week off to rest and relax.

I fought the traffic from the hospital to the outskirts of town where my apartment waited in the dark for me to arrive. The phone rang as I pulled into the parking lot. It was my sister calling to ask could I please babysit her two kids next Tuesday. She didn’t want to ask, but she was in such a bind, as always. I knew I should never have told her I was going to be off work. Of course, I said yes, I would love to watch the little angels. I didn’t pull into my designated spot, because my neighbor was parked in my spot. I parked on the far dark side of the parking lot. I quickly surveyed my surroundings, then made a mad dash to the door in the dark with keys held ready. Safely in the building and up the elevator to my apartment, I opened the door cautiously. As always, my old cat greeted me at the door as I came in. She wound around my legs and purred. I petted her and told her what a good kitty she was. I thought she must really love me and miss me when I am gone. How lonely to be shut up in this small apartment all day just waiting for your owner to come home. I topped off the food bowl with a treat and stripped off my clothes as I walked to the shower.

The hot water ran over my tired neck and back and washed the day away. I stood there with my face to the shower head as the water gently pelted my eyelids and cheeks. Images of the day played over in my mind like a shaky reel to reel movie. There were so many people who had so many demands on my time, my energy, and my life. I wish I knew what they were all thinking. I mean, what gives them the right to always expect me to do for them. They must think I am a total sucker always waiting to do their bidding. Suddenly, the lights flickered and the bathroom went dark. Through the hazy shower door, I could barely make out what seemed like a dark figure on the other side of the door. It seemed to be leaning over the sink toward the vanity mirror. I suddenly became aware of my heart pounding in my chest and rising into my throat as mere seconds seemed an eternity. I stood still as a sentry as the hot water ran down my back and legs and the steam rose and spilled over the top of the shower door, adding to the difficulty to see what was there. I jumped and covered my eyes instinctively as the lights blinked back on filling the room with light. The room was empty. No one was there. I turned off the water and grabbed a towel to wrap around me. I peered through the crack in the shower door as I opened it slowly and quietly. I stepped over the shower threshold and into the steamy bathroom looking left and right. Nothing was there. I started to laugh at my own silliness. I guess I was so tired that my imagination was really running away. I grabbed another towel and started to dry my hair when I glanced at the mirror. Written in the condensation on the mirror was three words. Drops of water were starting to run down stretching the letters, but the words were quite clear. YOU WILL KNOW.

I stood and stared at the mirror. I will know what? Who wrote that? Was this some kind of joke? I yelled out into the bedroom, “Who is here?” I quickly grabbed some shorts and a t-shirt out of the drawer and put them on not bothering to finish drying off. I reached under my bed and wrapped my hand around the handle of an old aluminum baseball bat. I crept slowly out of the bedroom and into the living room with bat held over my head and turning on all the light switches as I passed them. Soon the whole apartment was illuminated in light. The whole empty apartment, that is. The front door was still locked and dead bolted with the chain pulled into place just as I had left it. Every window was closed. I checked every closet, under the bed, in the cabinets, and in any space that could possibly be used as a hiding place by even the smallest of intruders. I was alone.

I lowered the bat and walked back to the bathroom. The steam in the room had escaped from the open bathroom door and the mirror was again clear. The only thing to see there was my own frightened face. I ran my fingers through my wet hair and stared at myself. I shook my head and decided it was again my imagination. I turned the television on and curled up to watch a little news before bed, but before I ever heard anything reported, I fell asleep on the couch. Every light in the apartment stayed on.

My cell phone alarm woke me at the usual time. It took me a minute or two to figure out where I was. I wasn’t accustomed to falling asleep on the couch, especially with every light on and the television blaring. I found the remote and clicked the noise off. I stretched and untangled my legs from the quilt I had pulled off the back of the couch. I waited for the coffee maker to make its last spit and gurgle before taking its gift of black bitter gold. Just one more day, then I was going to have a few days off. I’d have to spend one of those days babysitting my sister’s brats, but that was okay. I could spare one day. I dressed in my scrubs and grabbed an apple on the way out the door. The elevator bell dinged as the doors slid open to the first-floor lobby. It was louder than usual this morning. Usually, the residents were pretty subdued this early in the morning, but there was quite a bit of conversation going on. Mrs. Sweeny was whining something about not getting any sleep and hoping the bags under her eyes weren’t too noticeable. The new bride that had just moved in last week was taking her dog out to walk and crying and asking no one in particular, “How could he?” Brad from the fourth floor was getting into his car that was parked in my space. He noticed me coming out the door and threw his hand up in a little wave and said, “Hey, girl. Sorry about the space. I thought you were out for the night”, and then a little under his breath, but still out loud he said, “And I was too freaking drunk to walk from the back of the lot. Sorry, love.” That was an odd thing to say, but I just waved back and said, “Its okay,” as I got into my own car at the back of the lot.

I turned onto the road and onto the ramp to the freeway and merged into what little traffic there was this early in the morning. I thought about the crazy dream I had had last night. I sure am in need of a vacation. YOU WILL KNOW. Crazy dream. Must have been that slice of pizza from the cafeteria I ate yesterday. “Oh, my gosh. I can’t be late again. They will fire me,” broke in a frantic voice as a car whipped past me in the left-hand lane. It sounded like someone was right in my left ear. I looked at my radio, and it was not even on. My cell phone had not rung. My window was closed. Another car passed by as a deep male voice said, “I hope I will qualify for that loan. If I don’t, I don’t know what we will do.” I looked to the left as, again, it sounded as if it were coming from my left ear. A man drove past, looking straight ahead with both hands on the wheel. I fidgeted with the dials on the radio and the voice was silent. That was weird. Was it coming from my radio? I pulled into the hospital parking lot and walked up to my floor. I looked at the assignment book which had me in the same place I had been for the previous three days. One more day. I can do this for one more day. The charge nurse walked past and said, “Good morning,” cheerily. Then said, “She is such a strong nurse to be able to handle that assignment for three, no, four days in a row without complaining.” I wasn’t sure who she was talking about with that last part so I just returned the good morning as brightly as I could for this early in the morning.

I sat in the charting cubicle and waited for the night shift nurse to come and give shift report. I heard her coming down the hall fussing with someone about something to do with no water in the pitchers at med pass time. She said hello and went on for a few minutes about how glad this night was over and she sure hoped she would not be in the same place tonight. This was so unlike her. She was usually so quiet and timid. She never had anything negative to say. It was disgusting really, so it was refreshing to see that she was indeed human. She went on to give a report of what had happened with each patient through the night. Not much had changed so it looked like it was shaping up to be just another day in paradise. The night shift nurse gathered her bags and said “I’ll see you in twelve hours”. She turned and sighed and said, “I can’t wait to light up that cigarette.” “I didn’t know you smoked”, I said to her back. She turned to look at me with a confused look, “What?” “I said I didn’t know you smoked. You said you couldn’t wait to fire up that cigarette.” She shot a weird look at me and said, “I didn’t say that.” Then she turned and walked a little quicker pace down the hall toward the time clock. Gosh, she is weird. I could care less if she smokes or not. I started to make my first rounds on the hall beginning with Larry in 1220. Larry was an unfortunate young man who had decided to drink a lot of beer one night and run into a bridge railing at high speed. He had been with us long enough for his broken bones and lacerations to be mostly healed, but his brain had not recovered much at all. Because of his lack of insurance and family willing to care for him, he had nowhere to go. I enjoyed working with Larry. It was a sad situation, but I didn’t mind giving a little extra time and TLC to this young man who never asked for anything.

I took in a deep breath as I went to the next room, 1222. Mrs. Batterman started talking before I even came through the door. How did she know I was there outside the door? She was saying, “Where are you, Donald? Why don’t you come visit? I miss you, son. He must not love me. He doesn’t need me anymore. No one needs a sick old woman. What good am I to anyone?” She looked up from her pillow as I walked in and her eyes lit up a little, “Well, hello. I hope you had a restful night, dear.” I asked her who she was talking to earlier. She was needy, but I had never known her to be confused or have hallucinations. She said, “Was I talking?” Then she said, “I would like to wash my face before breakfast, and I would like to have the blinds opened just a tad.” She continued with her long list of demands. She kept me in her room as long as she possibly could, then I had to make my escape to the next room.

Next door, Mr. Johns was on the edge of the bed about to swing his legs to the floor when the bed alarm announced his attempted get away. I ran into the room to block his exit from the bed before he could fall again. As I ran in, he was saying, “I don’t know how I got here, but I have to get out of here. I have to go to work. Where is my wife? Did I park on the street again?” I gently nudged his legs back into the bed. He looked at me and said, “Who are you?” I explained to him again who I am and where we are and that he must stay in the bed. He said, “What a nice girl. Maybe she knows where I parked my car.” I smiled at him and he smiled back. My day went as it usually did. Nothing out of the ordinary. The nursing assistant assigned to my patients was the same one from yesterday, so I didn’t expect too much help today. I walked past her in the hall as she was saying, “I have to pass that biology test or I won’t make it into the nursing program. Maybe I can squeeze in some extra studying during my breaks. Oh, man, who am I kidding? I’ll never be able to do this. Its just too hard to work and go to school, but nobody is going to buy groceries for me and the twins, so I have to work. Maybe I should just give up.” I remember how hard it was to work and try to go to nursing school, but I never tried to do it with kids. That must be so hard. I said, “What time do you want to take your lunch break today?” We agreed upon break times and I said, “Maybe it will be a little less crazy today and you can sneak away into that empty room and study. She looked at me as if I had just pinched her. She said, “Thanks. Okay,” and as she walked away, she said, “How did she know I needed to study?”

Lunchtime came quickly and I rushed to the cafeteria to see what goodies were there on display. I rode down in an empty elevator. I was enjoying the peace and quiet. It seemed today was unusually loud, but not so busy really. I guess people just had a lot to say today. The doors opened and the cafeteria was a cacophony of dishes rattling and voices. It seemed everyone was talking. I looked around and not everyone’s lips were moving, but it seemed everyone was talking. The ladies serving behind the buffet glass were all talking at once and didn’t seem to care that no one was listening. I ordered my meatloaf and green beans over the loud din, and the workers continued to talk out loud to no one. Was I supposed to answer? A hodge podge of words and random thoughts echoed around the large cafeteria. Its hot in here. My legs are killing me. I bet he is cheating on her. He better have my money today. I wonder if my test results are back yet. How could I be dying? I miss him. I don’t love her anymore. I will never lose weight eating tater tots every day. I did not know what was going on, but it felt wrong. I looked at the lady behind the counter as she asked me did I want gravy on my mashed potatoes, and I couldn’t figure out was I supposed to answer that or one of the million other questions swimming through the air. I briefly closed my eyes and when I opened them written in the same dripping letters as in the bathroom mirror last night was scrawled on the steamy buffet, NOW YOU KNOW. The room began to spin as the voices got louder and louder. Now I know. Now I know. What does that mean? I quickly left the cafeteria line never answering about the gravy on my potatoes.

I walked to the nearest exit door and outside to the sunny day. As the door closed behind me, it was instantly quiet. The voices had stopped. All the chatter and questions and observations had ceased. I breathed in a deep breath and blew it out slowly as I allowed my heart rate to return to a normal pace. I walked toward the fountain where a few visitors sat quietly on separate benches. They were not close enough to be carrying on any normal conversation, yet one was saying, “Cancer. I never thought she would die before me.” The other was saying, “What if they find out I was the one to give him the drugs?” They were carrying on two separate conversations. Neither conversation had anything to do with me at all. Nonetheless, I knew what they were, what, thinking? Was that possible? Now I knew? I tried to block out their voices, but was unable to do so. I walked away to find a quieter place so I could sit and try to pull all this together, but I couldn’t and soon my lunch break was over. I thought about feigning illness and telling my charge nurse I had to go home, and maybe that wasn’t too far from the truth. Something was definitely wrong. I went back to my work area where the resident sat on a stool with his head in a computer chart. He was carefully looking over the lab results and muttering (or maybe thinking) to himself. Seems this new doctor had so many doubts about his abilities that he questioned himself over and over about every order he wrote. He wanted to do a good job. He wanted to help his patients, but most of all he didn’t want to cause anyone any harm by doing the wrong thing. I felt sorry for him. I don’t know why, because here I was quickly losing my mind. I just thought I have these superpowers so I should use them for good. I introduced myself to the young student doctor and offered help. We discussed a few of the lab results and I shared some things I had noticed in my many years of experience. He seemed very grateful.

I tried to get through the rest of my shift with as little contact with crowds as possible. I found it was much easier to manage my ability in one on one situations. I helped Mrs. Bannerman to call her son, who talked with her for over an hour. For that hour, she didn’t call with any needs or demands. I sat with Mr. Johns while charting and listened to his thoughts. He was so lost and confused. I helped him to find a baseball game on TV and we watched together as I charted on the computer at his bedside. Soon his thoughts were focused on the game and the room was quieter and Mr. Johns was much more restful. The nursing assistant stuck her head in the door to check to see if I needed anything. I told her that we were fine and that I would cover for her if she wanted to go study for a few minutes. She smiled and said thanks, though she was still so confused how I could know she needed to study. I didn’t say a thing. I knew it would sound crazy to try to explain, so I didn’t.

Soon, the shift came to an end. The oncoming nurse came in a few minutes late. I could hear her thoughts as she stepped around the corner, trying to decide what excuse would be best to give for her tardiness. “I’m so sorry. My car wouldn’t start, so I had to get my brother to come give me a jumpstart”. She said this out loud after thinking, “I’ll have to change my locks again to keep him out.” I just said it was okay and after giving her time to settle in, gave her a report of the happenings of the day. I had survived the four day stretch. Maybe I had gone a little crazy in the process, considering I was hearing people’s thoughts, but it was over now. I quickly gathered my things and made my way through the crowd of nurses leaving for their shift and thinking various things on the way to their cars. I tried to ignore the noise, but every once in a while, a loud thought got through. Where is my darn car? What if he is waiting for me when I get home? I really want pizza for dinner.

I drove home listening to the thoughts of people in passing cars. I felt like a thief stealing these private moments from strangers. Their thoughts were none of my business. I got home and parked once again in the far back of the lot. I looked around in the darkness and gathered my things and walked quickly in the dark. I walked through the lobby and to the elevator packed with people and their thoughts. It was more than I could stand. I didn’t want to know about my neighbors’ private thoughts. It was too much to know that the guy who got off on the second floor was afraid of being found out that he cheated on his taxes or that the lady on the third floor thought she had found a lump in her breast. I didn’t want to know that the kid standing next to his mom had stolen another kids lunch money, and I could have done without knowing that his mom had cheated on her husband with the son’s karate teacher. It was too much! I couldn’t stand it. This was no superpower. It was a super nuisance.

I finally reached my floor and pushed open my front door. The cat wound around my leg and purred as usual and for a moment I enjoyed the quiet. Thank goodness I can’t read the cat’s thoughts. I really don’t want to know that. I was so tired. It had been an exhausting day, but I had to figure out what I could do. I turned on the shower and adjusted the temperature and the phone rang. It was my sister. I answered. She had just wanted to say thanks again for my offering to keep the kids a day. We talked a little and I was happy to see that my superpower did not extend to the telephone. I said good bye and walked into the bathroom where the steam was already pouring from the shower and filling the room and there on the bathroom mirror were the words in dripping letters, STILL WANT TO KNOW? I stared at the letters then wiped them off the mirror with my hand. I wrote NO!

I stepped into the shower and washed. I didn’t know what I would find when I stepped out, but I stepped out of the shower without a second thought. I took a minute to summon the courage to look at the mirror. Then I looked and it was just a wet mirror. Only my own reflection looked back at me. There were no letters. No messages. Nothing. I was curious, so I put on some clothes and headed toward the elevator. It was so quiet in the hallway. I could hear the shuffling of my own feet on the carpet. I pushed the down button on the elevator panel and waited. Ding! The door opened. Three people in the elevator silently looked up as I stepped on. One said, “Good evening,” not really expecting any reply. I said “Good evening, indeed.” The rest of the elevator down to the first floor was quiet. Glorious wonderful silence. I stepped into the lobby where one of my neighbors called me from the couch by the front window. I walked over and we started a polite conversation that did not involve any private random thoughts. It was the best conversation I had ever had. She nodded toward a young man by the front desk talking frantically into his cell phone. He looked angry and upset as he gestured wildly with his hands in the air. My neighbor looked at me and whispered, “Wouldn’t you like to know what he is thinking”?

by: Beth Raeihle

September, 6, 2020