By the Window
I awoke to the sound of rain hammering against my bedroom window, like a giant banging his fist, demanding to be let in. I lay there in the dark staring, as little raindrops slid down the window and connected with all the other droplets, making a miniature swimming pool when they hit the bottom; like they were meant to be together. Like no matter what they did, or whatever mistakes they made along the way, it didn’t matter; as they were bound to end up there. Together they made rivers, lakes, oceans…they were destined to accomplish great things. The window rattled at the force of the driving rain, as though it were actually feeling pain. Knowing I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep, I threw the warm covers off and walked broodingly to the window, opening the hatch and letting the rain pour through onto me. As if I were taking the hits in place of the window. At least I was taking his pain away. Nothing could hurt me anymore, not after what happened….
I could still see her smile, I always wondered how she kept her teeth so white. But she had always insisted it was her special secret. Her hair had a golden glow in the soft evening light, her eyes shone with innocence and joy and freedom… I could look into those eyes for the rest of my life. Her fingers slipped into mine and I held her against me, softly, worried if I held her small, delicate body even the slightest bit too tight, she’d break into tiny pieces. I could smell her hair, it smelled of strawberries and mint… it had become my favourite smell in the world.
Shivering from the freezing wind, the rain dripped from my soaking wet body. I couldn’t tell if I was crying or if it was just the rain. Shutting the window down with a thud, the wind howled against it, begging me to open it again. Looking at the ground I noticed the carpet was soaked, and my toes wrinkled from all the water.
She used to love the rain; I remember her grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the bridge, our bridge, the bridge where we had first met, where I had stolen her first kiss, where she had told me she loved me, and I loved her..…it had just began to rain. I had insisted we go inside so we didn’t catch a cold, but she didn’t mind, she wanted to be out in it; holding me close as we started dancing. It was cold, it was wet, it was dark. But with her, everything was different. She gave me warmth, she was my light, and she was the love of my life.
I continued to blame myself for what happened. After all, protecting her was my responsibility. If only I hadn’t let her go to work that day. Little did I know it would be the last time I saw her. Could I have done anything different? She’d been so optimistic, convinced she’d be just fine, and I just let her go. Just let her walk out the door. I didn’t even get to say “I love you” one last time. Why didn’t I say it? I always said it whenever she went out. The blame was on me, and I will never forgive myself. How would I explain this to her family? Tell them they would never see their beloved daughter again, see her accomplish her dreams, get married or have their grandchildren? To tell them they would never be able to hug her or see her grow old?
Time, it’s something you can never get back and something you can never control. It can either heal you or destroy you. If only I could bring her back somehow, if only this were just a nightmare and I could just wake up and see her lying next to me again, smiling still.
The giant woke me out of it, reminding me once again, that this was reality. I could tell they were tears this time. I got up and opened the window again, the rain slashing at my skin and eyes. I let out a blood curling yell, a yell of pure pain, pure anger; anger that something as stupid as a car, can break your heart into a million pieces. Anger that one moment, can destroy every moment there ever was, or could be. Anger, that she was never, ever, coming back.
She will continue to haunt me till the day I die, and I can’t afford to let her go…...
so I won’t.