Goodbye

They say the first step to getting help is acepting the fact that you need help. I wasn't ready to accept that, and it almost cost me my life. I suffer from clinical depression, PTSD, and anxiety. Most days I can plaster a smile on my face, laugh with my friends, make a great show of enjoying life; but at the end of the day, alone in my room, I feel a sorrow so deep in my bones that it weighs me down. I feel tired from the act, I feel alone, the thoughts that plague my days threaten to consume me. I think about telling someone, reaching out to a friend.

I know that there are so many people in my life that love me. I know that my friends, my family, anyone I call, would be there for me in a heartbeat, and yet, my brain convinces me that anyone I talk to will think that I just want attention. That it will annoy them. That they won't want to speak to me. That I would be a burden in their life. So I don't. I keep my thoughts to myself. I force myself to continue to fight the battle alone.

I almost lost. And for those people that have never felt the weight of depression; below is something I wrote the night before I tried to end my life. Depression convinces us that we are alone, and then keeps us there.

If I said goodnight to the world and never opened my eyes again, how long would it take for anyone to notice?

If I stopped sending good morning messages and waited on someone to send me one, how long would it take for my phone to ring?

If I stayed silent and suffered through my pain alone, how long until someone would know that something was wrong?

If I never reached out and let all of my conversations lapse into the abyss of waiting on them, how long until all of my friends were a distant memory?

If I stopped responding to their snapchat streaks and facebook messages, how long until my phone would ring?

If I made the decision to say goodbye, to end the soul crushing pain of loneliness that sometimes threatens to consume me, How long until anyone noticed that I was gone?

And if it took that long for them to know, how much could they truly miss me? How much would it really hurt them for me to leave this world behind and finally rest, finally let out that last breath and let the weight of the world fall from my shoulders?

If I could just say goodnight, how long until they found me?