Paul the Elf

Why are all elven and gnome stories, or just fantasy stories in general, always set in medieval times? I guess if they were set in pre-evil times, you’d have a tough time finding an antagonist. Like if you’re gonna write some nerd stuff, then you gotta make sure that Morwan the warlock is a contemporary of goddamn Johann Gutenburg or it won’t work. Anyway, here’s the story of Paul the elf, whose main character trait is that he got rich off of bitcoin in 2011.

Paul lived in suburban Topeka and was an elf, but not in like a Christmas way. He was short and gnarled and also super into cryptocurrency. Paul had a few friends who weren’t ripped guys with long hair and sword fighting prowess and an unexplained British accent. One of his friends was just Daniel, who worked in IT. He lived with his wife who is unnamed, has no speaking lines, and wears extremely revealing clothes. I can only give up on so many fantasy cliches. Also there will be absolutely no black characters for some reason. Like we’re fine acting as if the middle ages were filled with elves and warlocks, but we draw the line at having a black guy. Also this story is set in Kansas. 

Paul had jury duty one day and ruled that this one dude who hit another dude with a crowbar in a road rage assault was guilty. This was an atypical day however, because Paul usually just screws about doing puzzles and swiping on Elf Tinder. He doesn’t need a job due to the bitcoin money. Oh wait, I forgot I gave him a wife, whatever though. Paul’s a scumbag or maybe they have an open relationship. 

At the end of the jury duty day, Paul went to a bar with his buddies and they all drank some mead and ate a turkey leg. All in all, it was a mediocre day for Paul.