If someone were to ask me
If someone were to ask me
how I am feeling now,
i would naturally say I’m fine.
but sometimes, my greatest flaw
is hiding how I feel inside.
if someone were to ask me
how I am doing today
i would tell them I am not doing okay.
life has become more of a burden
rather than a gift.
it seems like there’s always someone trying to screw me over,
oh wait, that’s just me.
it seems like the universe is one big cosmic joke.
i hear my mother crying
echoing in my head.
i want to comfort her
but she’s nowhere near.
i know when she comes home
after ive worked my shift,
she’ll be put together, she’ll be strong.
but nothing seems to stop the record
playing on repeat.
over and over again, I can hear every sob with such clarity
it’s like she’s not gone at all.
life is kind of sucky right now,
trying to hurt everyone I love.
a close and trusted family friend
watches her 2 year old daughter
as she slowly succumbes to the cancer
plaguing her body.
a close friend, one I hold dear to my heart,
is watching and waiting,
holding his breath as the uncertainty of the life of
two members of his family
are slowly slipping away.
he wanted to end it all
the second he heard the news.
popping pills for two days
trying to escape the pain,
he grew slightly distant
so close yet so far away.
i often worry about him,
because he’s a few state lines away,
if something were to happen to him
i would never know.
i myself haven’t been faring
to the hand that life has dealt me.
an endless cycle of relapse and guilt
followed closely by a sharp sting
in both my arms and my heart.
I want to stop the bleeding
i want to stop the stinging
i want to stop it all
but it keeps calling me back.
like a moth drawn to a flame
i find myself with it again and again.
bright red angry streaks
crisscross my arms and shoulders,
my thighs and knees.
i want to stop this all
before it gets too far.
but it is the only thing
keeping me going.
it is the only thing
dulling the pain
in my heart, in my mind.
so, I guess if you were to ask me
how I am coping today,
i’ll look you kindly in the eyes
and say “I am alive today, that is all that matters.”
now my friend, it’s my turn to ask
how are you today?