notebook clues to where i’ll be

a) one of these days, i’m gonna be a gone girl.

--i. and no, / not those ones in the movies who leave a paper trail. / you’ll hold the remnants of me in polaroids and bottle caps and my cobalt letterman’s jacket i said looked better on you, / and that is how you will brave my nonexistence.

--ii. and maybe you’ll miss me in sunstreams and spoiled nectarines, / and here’s a secret: i’ll probably miss you, too. / but you can only stay stuck inside yourself, hollow, for so long, until it / drives you insane. / that’s what i am. sick in the head.

--iii. so i’ll be a gone girl, / as if i was ever really real in the first place. / as if i did not stick my fingers into candle wax to test if i had a body. / and i won’t leave you clues, because / i never existed to begin with. / and this way, i know you won’t mourn me, but at least / i know the magpies will. / and that has to be enough.

b) and now i have you worried, and you’ll ask me how i am.

--i. and there are so many ways to answer you, but it mostly goes like this: / shooting stars are just cosmic rocks that end up burning in our atmosphere, and / they are prettiest as they fall. / it’s hard not to envy them, right? / to know that they meant something to someone, all they had to do was ignite.

--ii. kidding. the first way really goes like this: / i hurtle past speed limits because it is all i know. / i hit the ground running when i first came to. / and i don’t know how to tell you that i’m slowing down. at least in the mind. / because if i’m not sprinting, who am i? / if i’m not alright, am i still what you think of me? / so i appreciate it. / but i’m still running. / and you’ll never know if i have a roadmap or not.

--iii. the second way goes like this: / i don’t forget to ask for help. that’s a dirty lie, and it’s not the first, not the last. / you can’t forget something that you never knew how to do in the first place. / it’s like: imagine this. someone watches you. they ask how you’re doing, but you know what they mean. / and what it means to you is: cut your chest open, and let them watch, and see if they get tired of the show. / it is so incredibly hard to skin yourself into something vulnerable. to admit that / i am weaker than you see. / i am raw, i am human, but it is / such an infinite battle on endless upward hills to just suck it up and / let you know.

--iv. so i become a gone girl, and this is the third way. you understand, but you might not, because it’s / not like i ever gave you any clues. / but i hope you know i love you, / because at least you cared. / and i just couldn’t reconcile that within myself.

c) and all i ever wanted was to mean something to someone, but /

--most of the time, i hardly even feel like i’m real.