And Time Stood Still
Wait for me.
Snow entangles eyelashes. I hear her laugh as she falls into fresh powder. The sound reverberates through my mind like church bells on Christmas morning. Winter, unforgivingly beautiful as it forces itself through the trees, wind pushing and aligning the delicate veins of leaves with frost even more gentle. I feel her mitten-covered hand reach out to help me up, and the warmth of past mistakes streaks through the icy numbness and down my face. The echo of memories I wish I could live in forever, begin to fade. And I chased them, I promise Kate, I tried to hold on but I couldn’t keep up. I'm so, so sorry.
The snow begins to blur and glow, a white light approaches the empty purgatory I’ve been subjected to for what has felt like weeks. The subtle radiance begins to push against my eyelids as the ethereal light consumes me entirely.
Foreign hands intrude upon my skin and I hear machinery begin to accelerate, a hurricane of metal. “Off, Off!” I scream with hands over my ears, but they marvel at me as if I was a feral animal. My reemergence was an animalistic Second Coming; although it was less graceful entity, and more goof stumbling out of bed. They all finally quit the gawking and move around to turn off the overheating disaster behind me. I shake my head, fending off the ringing as they shuffle my disoriented self into a room with warm clothes and water. As I pull on the burnt orange sweater, flashes of my dream, or memories try to force their way to the front of my brain. I push them back, willing to deal with my guilt when I see Kate again.
Entering what looks like the main lab, everything seems...cleaner, I think, “So, that felt a lot longer than I was told going into this”
A brave soul who seems like he’s about to ask the devil for kindness questions,“How long do you think you were in there?”
“What do you mean, 'What do I think?' y'all are the scientists. It couldn’t have been more than a few days over the hill give or take.” I notice a lot of confused looks, but the stiff in front of me plasters on a smile, “Mr. Wright, you have led us to a new era of science, your country is forever thankful”
“Uh huh, while I appreciate the gas, could you give me a straight answer, chief?”
“Out of all the other cryogenic chamber experiments, your’s stands as statistically significant. Of course we'll have to take a few samples to check for any anomalous genetic markers in your DNA..." The bumbling idiot, 'Fynn' his name tag says, continues to ramble on as I’m about to snap my cap.
"Let me rephrase that for ya chief: Tell me how long I was in the chamber. " His eyes bulge out from his head as he jerkily steps back into the growing crowd. What a chicken. Not like I would have done anything. Nothing permanent at least. "Alright, someone please go get me Dr. Bryers, because at this point I've come to realize the head of CC52's intelligence rockets way past you lot," In the middle of my expulsion I see a brown skinned broad with a heart-shaped face split the sea of lab coats as she makes her way towards me.
"Hello Mr. Wright, I could-", my tension starts to fade, "Could you pop down to Louis' Place and get me a cup of joe, black, thanks doll" I put on my most charming smile with the energy I have left, but I can tell she's not impressed. "Well I can definitely get one of our interns to help you with that, but as I was saying I'm here to help you with any questions you might have regarding your re-emergence, seeing as I am now the head of CC52. You can call me Dr. Mallory"
The embarrassment burns up my neck, “Wait, seriously- that’s real progressive, uh, I bet you’re a great fit though?” I clear my throat and attempt to regain the conversation’s balance, “So, uh, what happened to Bryers? Kinda early for retirement” I laugh half-heartedly hoping to ease the returning tension in the room. Does not seem to be working. But I gather it’s not just what I said that has everyone on edge.
“Mr. Wright, Dr. Bryers did retire,” she takes a deep breath and the wounded-creature approach vanishes, “I took over for his son actually, the Dr. Bryers you’re thinking of, he passed away 17 years ago.”
I want to crack up at the funniest joke I’ve ever heard, but I feel the weight drop on me.
“17 years, it’s been 17 yea-,” My head snaps up. Whispers. So many secrets. The flurry of panic builds in my chest. I turn to her, probably looking like I belong in the looney bin, but this is the sanest I’ve felt since re-emerging. So close to the answer. “ What’s happened, I need the truth. Now.” Tentativeness arrives in her objective-stricken eyes, “You, you’ve been in there an unprecedented amount of time, there were bugs that needed fixing, but you’re fine it’s just,” her eyes close in a last hope to disappear, and for a brief moment I hold sympathy for this poor girl who didn’t ask to be thrown at the mercy of an uncaged loon-
“Sixty-seven years”
The lab goes quiet. Or maybe the noise rises. But all I can hear is that chamber. The wiring whirs mockingly, drowning out anything and everything I knew.
I don’t know what to say, even if I did I wouldn’t because all that would come out is regret.
And I’ve never been one for regret.
That’s why I walked out.
I didn’t look back to see her face.
I was wrong, and she knew it, but I wouldn’t-
I wouldn’t take back what I said.
“You’re hurting me James,” My attention snaps to Dr. Mallory, grip tight on her arm, I let go knowing her answer won’t change. I sit there, staring blankly at a wall where the paint runs over the dented moulding. I walk over and chip it off with my nail. Someone starts to speak, and it takes a bit for me to realize they’re my own words:
“While I was stationed in France, you know uh Paris and the like during The War, I remember a man, name just like yours, Mallory, old French geezer,” I notice only a few eyes left, this pathetic display doesn’t seem to draw in the yucks as much, “I don’t remember much of Normandy, when they rained us out, striking us like lightning to a tree, not helpless, just stuck. But old man Mallory, I couldn’t forget him if I tried. Found his leg before I saw the rest of him, splayed and splattered chest heaving with a man’s dying words. I wanted to help, but it was too late, so I did the only thing I could, listen: ‘mon nom de famille signifie "malchanceux", mais quel putain d'euphémisme.’This awful mix of his own gurgling blood and laughter came out of his corpse.” I let out a humorless laugh myself thinking about it now.
I finally look the Doctor in the eyes again, “He said his last name meant unfortunate. Quite a fucking understatement.” I know you shouldn’t shoot the messenger, but she seemed to be the only one who thought she could control this. Guess I’ll leave it up to her then. “You murdered me, drained my life with this undesired immortality. So now you are going to get me some money, and let me leave. I might come back. Maybe not. But I’m leaving now.”
“James-,”
“No. You don’t get to call me that. You’re not my friend. I don’t know you and I’m leaving.”
“Mr. Wright, please be careful, the world has changed.” I see what she's saying when two Franklins land in my hand. I turn and walk out the door. Just like that. I know they’ll come for me later, but for now I have something to do. I started running. Running with the speed of the young man I shouldn’t be. Down, and down and down the rabbit hole I go. Then I hit the last door with my full force, stumbling into the light. Gleaming giants tower over, defying more belief within me than my own pounding blood. The steely monsters are nothing in comparison to the streets’ weapons of clamorous intent. Souped up automobiles chase after one another as people have conversations on little black boxes. Both guys and gals are chrome-plated to the max. Suddenly, I’m gettin’ busted on both sides by people speeding past.
A rising vibration flies through my feet up and up my shoulders. A loud mechanical whirring starts up in the back of my head and I take off. I need to get as far away as possible. I need this ringing to stop. I see blurs of glittering shops on 5th slide into the welcoming drear of stacked apartments. Why does everything move so fast, no one knows when to slow down. No one talks to anyone but themselves. We traded our souls for inanimate love. Materialism soaks into our blood like lead. Poisoning us under the weight of artificial hope. I need my someone. Standing up hurriedly I buzz 137, “Kate, baby, It’s me, I know I’ve been gone, but I’m home, please I need to see you.”
“Hey, douchebag, Dr. Wright doesn’t live here anymore, she passed away a few years ago, everyone knows that."
"What? But I-"
"It was in the papers, ya know,” he waits for me to get it, but I stay silent, “the whole man-stuck-in-ice mess got revealed and some anti-science extremists... assassinated her at a press event. Look, she was a close friend of mine, and I'm done talking about this. Leave."
"I love Kate, I know you're lying, I know-"
"Get her name out of your desperate mouth and leave. Make me say it again and I'll call security.”
Why did I do this to her? I traded our life for an empty feeling of success. Desperation. My feet drag across the ground, across block after block of cement. Overhanging construction shades my face from the setting sun.
Sixty-Seven Years.
Eternal youth.
Statistically significant.
Forever thankful.
New era of science.
I feel the ice return as the night drags on, as if someone has come to punch a hole in my chest just to stroke my heart and tell me I’m fine.
It’s for the greater good.
Before I see where I am, I can smell the salt-soaked wood of the pier. The ocean sprays my face as I walk towards the water. Quiet. Rhythmic waves push softly against the sand. The moon reflects a deep luster rippling through silver emptiness. Winter is on its way out the door, only a futile marine breeze passes through me. Nothing has changed here. If I let myself drift I can still feel your brown eyes trace the lines of my face, and the constellations through city smog. Except you’re not here. I shouldn’t be here either. I’m supposed to keep smiling and breathing and living without you. I left you for the egotistical admiration they reflected into my eyes. I came back like I always do after a fight, but it was too late for us. I should’ve turned around and said I love you, I love you, I love you. I know you loved me. Even after The War you helped me find myself when my vision darkened. The tense rope of hate that connects me to the world never extended to you. I could always feel your fingers playing along mine, loosening the tendrils from my hands. No, I did this to myself, and I can only hope you found someone who treats you better. But no one could ever love you more than I.
Looking up at the darkening lilac of Space, I imagine you can see me just as clearly. For now, I’ll wait by your stars.