(self-harm) things i do that might help you, to prevent further harm upon yourself

tw; mentions of

“okay, friend - are you searching, for purpose? write yourself something, yeah, it might be worthless; paint yourself something, yeah, it might be wordless - pointless curses, nonsense verses. you’ll see purpose start to surface; no one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning, friend.”

kitchen sink, twenty one pilots

(though the song and the lyrics seem a bit)

(trapped,)

(when confined to simple punctuation.)

(i’m sorry.)

i will tell you what i do,

on these days,

when i am feeling...

i’ve yet to have given it a name.

but when i am feeling like this.

perhaps you can draw from these things,

take a few,

alter them to yourself,

and they might help

i have this verse, 1 Corinthians 3:16-17, memorized. this is the n/a/s/b version, roughly:

“Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? If any man destroys the temple of God, God will destroy him, for the temple of God is holy, and that is what you are.” [NASB, 1995]

when i am on the ‘brink’ of things, i whisper this to myself (i find, most often, i cannot yell; see: another untitled poem [oh my gosh, i really should title these more; ugh], this one about not being able to be loud... i’ll provide a link in the comments). it can be other verses, and said louder, but please be wary that you are interpretting it correctly (see: Jeremiah 29:11, etc) and that the Word has not been tampered with (see: somewhat-recent zondervan issues, fox [the television industry] issues, etc).

when i am on the ‘brink’ of things, i also tend to draw butterflies over the places in which i feel i should be hurting, or on the places in which i feel most... wary? of. i’ll provide a link in the comments to the official site, but the general idea is as follows: draw a butterfly over the place in which you feel like cutting/injecting/etc, and if you end up harming yourself there or somewhere else, the butterfly dies. the idea is the accomplishment of keeping a butterfly alive, rather than killing it.

i also send an email or message to a close friend of mine (who i have explained my situation and the butterfly project to, as well as the reasonings for these messages), promising not to hurt myself for [insert number, i generally go for more than 8] hours. when the hours are up, i am to message him, telling him of my situation - whether i failed, suceeded, or need more time. i send this friend in particular these promises because i feel that most all of my friends or family would react with sadness or grief; this friend, i feel, would react with anger. when i feel this way, sadness is like slow lava, breaking me away. i am all ready disappointed, grieved, and sad; i do not need others’ - this would only fuel my feelings and reasonings for hurting myself in the first place. my friend’s anger is more like gunshots, or... getting an eye poked out. *insert some dry laughter and a wry smile* the thing, however, with these promises, is that my friend does not have to answer. in this way, if he is busy, needs to do something else (as in, save someone out of a burning building) the idea is that i will still be there. i will be there when the hours are up. it is a promise (and one i am not fond of breaking) and one i keep. the promise stands, whether he is actively telling me he is keeping me accountable or not. just to make that clear.

there is an extensive list of things to do instead of self harm (i call it s/h, or sh) and sometimes i go through these. there are many things to make to help you stay accountable and to help you when you are in need. some examples (i do) are:

- reading (something safe, generally)

- watching tv, movies, yt videos, etc (preferably safe)

- draw

- write

- bakebakebake

- listen to some twenty one pilots (as in: guns for hands; kitchen sink; a car, a torch, a death; lovely; jumpsuit; my blood; morph; leave the city; holding on to you; car radio; slowtown; forest; trees; screen; truce; friend, please; johnny boy; taxi cab; before you start your day; goner; ride; stressed out; pet cheetah; bandito; neon gravestones; the hype; etc... a lot of these make me cry when i feel like s/h/ing, so beware)

- read the Word

- pray

- bullllllleeeeeet journalllllllll

- message friends, call, zoom, facetime, email, etc

- look at pictures of giraffes

- look at gifs and videos of ty and josh doing weird/dumb/cute stuff that makes me smile bc they look like they are having fun (they saved my life, btw)

- talk to somebody

- cry cry cry

and then, when others are not available, or i do not feel like bothering them (though they say i do not, i still feel like i do) i call or text the helpline. i look at photos of things people have said to me or about me, check out a handful of links meant to help me feel better (gifs of ty and josh smiling, laughing; ahhh lovely drawings; yt videos i liked; etc) and i write poetry about it. i watch tøp concert videos. i watch episodes of my favorite tv show. i look at pictures of my friends, smiling or doing cool things (like telling me to drink water - thanks, c :) ). and... i think. i think a lot. a lot of it is bad. but i talk to the voices telling me that i’m so absolutely terrible or that i’m being obnoxiously alive or that my grandpa would be ashamed of me or that i’m going to lose my friends if i keep saying dumb dumb dumb things like i do (things like telling them that the sky looks really nice, that bubbles are pretty stinking cool, etc). i talk to those voices. and i say no. ”not today.” (not today, tøp) i say that i’m not going to hurt myself, not tonight, and not today, because i am a temple of God, and the Spirit of God dwells within me, and i am His daughter. i am His child.

and then i write a list (each and every time) and i say this person cares. i say this person, this person i made smile. i made this person laugh. i made this person’s day. i made this person feel better. i do helpful things, and, while you may tell me that ”anyone else can do it and do it better,”, i know mom likes it when i bake, and i know my friends value what i do, and i know that THIS PERSON AND THIS PERSON AND THIS PERSON do not want me to take my life into my hands and destroy it, not like you do. and it is hard. it is very, very hard. after many years of abuse, i thought it was selfish to think anyone loved me. i thought it selfish to acknowledge that i do good in someone’s life. i thought it selfish. i hated myself. i hated myself for feeling good when someone said ‘i love you, too!’. i hated myself for saying anything of the sort, even thinking anyone, anyone at all, loved me. and then i had two years away from abusers to get closer to God, to become closer to who He was, and to come to understand that He does love me. i had a year and a half (and counting, still) of some of the greatest friendships i could ever ask for, with people who were honest with me in their care, and who told me that no, they did not think i was a monster.

and now i’ve moved back to a place where the abuse went on for so many years (still trying to figure out exactly how many - my entire life, or only a handful of years?) and i’m feeling this way today. and a few days ago. and a year ago. and two years ago. (and many days between) and i think i will, for quite some time. it is going to take time.

but i thought i would share some of these things that i do. i hope that they help, if you take any of them. alter them, if you would like.

and, if you ever need anyone to promise, you are always free to pm/dm me, or, if you’d rather do it over a different platform, you can ask me for my email, discord username, or ask if i have an account somewhere else (please pm/dm me when or if you ask!! thanks:D).

again, links discussed above will be provided below in the comments:)