The preface of a meltdown

Hey, I’ll keep this short, but know when I say that I never mean it. So much time has passed I’m pretty sure it’s lapped me three and a half times over. It’s been hard, it’s been aggravating, it’s been paralyzingly existential and at the same time indescribably simple. I’ve been falling apart, trying to write down all of my loose ends. But you see, dear friend, there’s nowhere to start, no clear beginning to the events of this downfall. I don’t have a reason. Just drowning in all that I am. My best parts are hidden away, twisted and contorted between experiences. And I’m doing it. I’m putting myself there. All of my qualities are diverted to conserve energy. I’m convinced the right person won’t have anything left of me, tangled heartstrings make up a tightrope too thin for him to walk on. I don’t have a terribly awful story. Nothing close to tragic.

“You’re breaking yourself.” They lament.

“This is you.” They accuse.

Enlighten me on who you think I am. All the parts that I can’t understand, go ahead really. You know it’s funny cause I’ll ask that and as you’re talking something seems to make you mad. Suddenly your accusations contradict themselves and before you know it you’re nearly as confused as I am. What troubles you? You’re scared to upset me, but I don’t ever want to see you so bottled up. So all the good, and the bad don’t hold back. You know it’s kind of ironic, the only time I’m smart it makes me sad. I hear what you’re saying while your darty eyes and wringing hands fill in everything you leave out.

But I told you I only want the truth babe. Don’t hold back for me. I know you’ve started settling, you tell me it’s worth it cause you can talk me up to more than I am with pretty painted words. How I love your pictures. But dearest there’s a heart made for you you won’t have to bargain for. I find it laughable, the heart made for me I wasn’t made right for. And you started your description so confident in your arrogant preconceptions. But I can tell you aren’t as sure after all. Know that when I began this address I intended to be talking about me. What a beautiful representation of myself that I ended up talking about you anyways. All my love xx.