reasons i want to say hello but don’t move my mouth to say ‘yes, please, i would like to go’ (aka: the irony of my twisted anxiety)

if i am an abyss, you are a circus ringleader constructing places to host your entertainment (places that jut out from my ribs and things) / if i am a living thing, you are a parasidic counterpart (feeding, leeching on my walls) / if i am an abyss, she is a trapeze artist going against your orders and painting friendship over my walls and dancing pretty words over the hateful things you taught me to think (she is a ray of sunshine in a dark place) / if i am a child, He is my Father and loves me more than you could ever make me believe (i believed you for too many years, i thought myself incomplete without you, which i now know isn't true) / if i am a canvas, he paints over the things you've made me believe (tells me things he says are truths, but i still wonder if making me smile is really the best part of being my friend) / if i am a living breathing being of belief that has finally discovered that you treated me wrongly, then i am not sorry for writing so many poems with your name (so many, and you will never see a one of them, do you hear me?) / if i am a building, she is the one fixing all the windows and putting new locks on the doors and singing me soft tunes until i fall asleep (friendship never felt so much a companionship before) / if i am an abyss, then i will carve windows from my homes and dust myself off and lock the doors before going out to say hello to you (and finally move my mouth to say 'yes, please, i would like to go')

these are the reasons and not one of them will ever be told to you, do you understand, do you hear me, do you do you do you? understand me, please, mary lee. understand and leave me be to carve my windows and dust the sills and paint the walls the lovely colors. understand and leave me be to find new locks and hide new keys in new places. understand and leave me be to figure out whether or not you'll find one. understand and leave me be until i say i'm okay to see you again.