Love her madly

On this day I arise from a poetic slumber, only to find myself looking through a cracked window, as saffron birds frolick against a crisp autumn sunrise. They tweet, chirp and flap their wings with decadence and splendor. While I stand disgusted at the somber reflection staring back at me. I quickly try to unsee the figure before me. I back away slowly and rub remnants of sleepy from one green halo at a time, until finally focused. But still....I loathe the distraction I see reflecting back at me.

I stand with my feet firmly planted in purple fuzzy slippers. Careful to not touch the unforgiving frozen squares of mint green tile below me. I am in firing line of a smudged mirror, connected to a white porcelain bowl. Its cracks mended together by leopard print duct tape. In a comatose state I brush one pearly bit of enamel at a time. I pick at a crack in my canine. And fight the urge to seal it with cement. It’s self sabotage at its finest. I spit the blue foamy concoction out of my mouth and watch it swirl, first left - then right, as it slithers itself into a black hole of oblivion. I wipe each corner of my pasty mouth with a Dollar Store towel. I notice It feels like sandpaper. Nevertheless I walk away from the battle grounds and into my makeshift vanity where I sink into my broken marketplace chair. -The one with the splintered arm, no thanks to my expanding figure. I thank it however for still standing. I wiggle to get comfortable and slowly start my transformation. I scrape out remninets of beige and ivory from various plastic tubes. An electric surge penetrates through each brush stroke and I slowly start to come back to life. No longer a zombie. Although I need not forget we are in the midst of an apocalypse. I sip on my steamy Maxwell as it indiscriminately scolds my twisted tongue still slightly stained a sky blue. I shout out profanity and Miss Jingles scampers down the vacant hall, her paws echoing against unswept floors, dodging dust bunnies no less.

I sigh. Another repeat of yet another ordinary day. I crave touch. And the feeling of desire. A kiss maybe to the forehead would be nice. ....lips even better. I find myself resisting temptation to ever so slightly self blame, navel gaze and destroy. And quickly remind myself I am the daughter of the most high God and that this too shall eventually... pass. I should feel like I a Queen. ....Why do I not? I ask myself as I look at a dark oasis of blues and purples under sleep deprived delusional vision. My life is a cautionary tale at best. I find myself at battle more often than not. I slay retched thoughts with silver bullets while they lie captive to a blanket of onyx on typical shiver inducing November Day.

And these are the not so glamorous days of my life. Has it come to this? Will I ever love her? This girl that mirrors back with ebony locks, flushed crimson cheeks and fluffy thighs. I proceed. I glance back at her and wave goodbye. I refuse to fall into a trap of darkness and self critical beatings. Just because he said you will never be worthy. Just because he said you are disgustingly fat. Just because he took, like that of a thief, does not mean it is the truth. It’s far from it actually. He was wrong -I remind myself despite the stringent string of unforgettable memories.

I am and always will be a masterpiece. I am and always will be beautiful. I am and always will be strong. A fighter and a child of God. I repeat it again and again until I believe it.

I walk alway from the splintered chair still standing. I strut with confidence and roar like a lioness as I step into patent stilettos, spanks and form fitting attire, most appropriate for a day meant for hard earned pay. This is my revolution. I will revel in accomplishments, success and freedom. And end it with a wash of coconut bubbles and cognac wine or champagne? I will celebrate. I will feel grace. I will feel self worth once again. And I will fall into dream land alone at twilight. . And know that it’s okay. ......I will rise the next day to an opulent horizon of turquoise and bits of yellow. I will sit a bit lighter. And reflect a sparkle this time. I will shed tears. Blood. And all fears behind. I will learn with each passing day to love her all over again. Madly.