If Juvenalian Satire Be the Food of Anger, Write On, OR: useless, unliterary vitriol
If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
--Shakespeare, Twelfth Night
Do you see what happens? Do you see what happens, Larry? This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass.
When Donald J. Trump gets hungry he gets hungry, so I stole food outta Barron's drawer that looked kinda like mushrooms but weird, and then some weird stuff happened. Also, this word typing thing won't let me use comic sans. Obama. Sad!
I had the TV on. It's the biggest, most beautiful TV the White House has ever had, you gotta watch a lot of TV to keep an eye on the people so I watch at least 15 hours a day - Obama couldn't watch that much TV - so I had the TV on, and after I ate those things it started to look funny, it looked like it was made out of purer gold than my toilet. And weird stuff started to happen on it, too, I was watching Fake News CNN and they said my campaign to expose voting fraud (massive fraud!) was hurting America (MAGA!) and I said "you're lying sacks of shit who outta get shot," and then Don Lemon said, "this just in, we're lying sacks of shit who outta get shot." They said what I said! CNN said something real!
So I said something else for the media to repeat like they're supposed to when real leaders talk, I said, "Don Lemon has no penis and the China virus is a deep state conspiracy," and then Don Lemon said, "this just in, Don Lemon has no penis and the China virus is a deep state conspiracy." So then I turned up the TV volume and said "FRAUD! Michelle Obama bribed Georgia, Philly poll workers with underage sex slaves!" and they said it! Then I realized I had bumped a button and the channel was on OANN, so that part was actually kinda normal.
And then Roy Moore was in the room! There was this girl clinging to him, wearing a wet t-shirt and a thong. She was young, too, like 15. I'd rate her an 8, so not like a 10 like Melania was before she got those disgusting stretch marks and not like Ivanka, but not bad, you know?
"Don! Great news!" Roy said. "The Supreme Court said that I could be the judge for your voter fraud lawsuit, and they said I could have the 10 Commandments in the courtroom!"
I said a real leader would only need four commandments, and Roy said, "It's OK! Jerry Falwell Jr. and I fixed them!" We were in the Rose Garden then, don't know when thta happened [Obama had mroe typos], and I saw one of the colorless rose bushes Melania put in was burning.
"Donald J. Trump," a voice said. It was my voice! "Donald J. Trump, take these stone tablets and spread my law." And then I was holding these stone tablets. The fire from the bush spread to the White House (why didn't I think of that before? suck it, Biden) and I read the tablets.
1. I AM the Lord your Donald who led you out of diversity; thou shalt stay at no other resort or hotel besides mine.
2. Thou shalt reproduce my name and image everywhere, excepting thou beest Alec Baldwin.
3. Thou shalt keep my Twitter feed holy.
4. Thou shalt honor thy father, and thy mother if she be more than a 6.
5. Thou shalt not kill whites.
6. Grab ’em by the pussy.
7. Thou shalt not steal according to any actionable legal definition.
8. What the hell does “false witness” mean anyway? I mean, who writes this stuff? Sad!
9. Thou shalt not covet thine own wife.
10. Thy neighbor shall pay for thy goods, thy military bases, all international security arrangements, and thy yuge and beautiful wall.
"Roy! They're great!" I said. But was gone. Good guy, Roy Moore. Maybe I'll squeeze in a Presidental Medal of Freedom for him in December, if I have time. Gotta give one to Don Jr., Kim Jong-un, and Ghislaine first.
Then I did something that will always be remembered in all the history books: I shot a 53 at Augusta National! And I bought the place! It started to get a little dark when I was finishing the back 9, so I snapped my fingers and called "more light!" and then Obama was there wearing a red uniform and hat and holding a lantern for me, so I knew I had Made America Great Again.
But I was tired and decided to sleep so I was back in the Lincoln bedroom but it had my picture there instead, and I might have slept a little but then I sat up and there was Adolf Hitler! Dimensions had crossed, and I woke up with Hitler sitting calmly on the edge of my bed, nearly transparent. Unafraid, I sat up and had a conversation with him. I'll write the scene and dialogue.
I said, "Adolf, people say a lot of bad things about me. They say a lot of bad things about you, too, but there were good people on both sides."
Adolf said, "Wer bist du? Du siehst aus wie ein schwaches scheisskopf."
I said, "Eva Braun's not bad, by the way. I'd call her an 8, maybe a 9 on a good day."
Adolf said, "Du hast sehr kleine Hände, orange Mann."
I said, "Your tanks are impressive, by the way. I wanted a parade like you got but they said maybe some other time."
Adolf said, "Ich mag deine seltsamen Haare. Gemeinsam werden wir auf viele russische Prostituierte pinkeln."
Well next thing I knew I woke up and there was Melania, and I said, "I'm really thirsty," and she went to find a maid who could make me a glass of water. I saw she was wearing the robe I got her where she has "DJT" on her back. It's the nicest robe, made with the best silk. She said it was sweet that it had my initials on it. Hope she never looks DJT up on Urban Dictionary and figures it out.