The Beautiful Resolute Mushroom
“What’s that brown shit next to my hamburger?”
“Sir. Mushrooms. Sir.”
“Take this plate back to the kitchen. Everyone working in the kitchen knows I don’t eat vegetables, let alone what do you call this…formaldehyde? Fungus?”
“Sir. Fungi. Sir. Well, I believe there is a new chef in the kitchen. Perhaps he didn’t know. I will take this back and get you a fresh hamburger and I will let him know to never bring you mushrooms again.”
“Okay. Hurry it up. I’m hungry. And bring me another diet coke, no ice, right away.”
“Yes Sir. Right away Sir.”
Five or ten minutes later the waiter returned with the order and he was pleased when DJT said,
“Now that’s what I’m talking about. You can go now.”
DJT had never had such a delicious hamburger. He would make sure to tell the waiter to let the chef know. He was taking the last bite when he felt something within him slipping; like fifty pounds of blubber had just melted away, so he got up to look at himself in the mirror and although he did not see any visible changes, he was sure of a change, so sure that he called in Ivanka and he asked her,
“Ivanka, do you notice anything different about me?”
“No Daddy. Why do you ask?”
“I don’t know. I feel lighter. Not quite thinner, not quite younger, but different, in a good way and I can’t put my finger on it. It is something that feels so right and yet so wrong at the same time. Foreign. It feels foreign.”
“I don’t know what to say Daddy. Maybe you should go to bed and perhaps when you wake up tomorrow morning you will be back to your old self.”
“You’re not calling me old, are you?”
“Oh Daddy. No. You know what I mean.”
“But I don’t want to go to bed. I feel like there is something I need to do. You can go now Ivanka. You know I am good at figuring things out by myself.”
And with that he picked up his phone. Ivanka blew him a kiss and left the room.
And for the first time in his life, DJT told the truth about everything. He went on FB live and admitted that every time he says something is fake news he is really denying facts, including that he does not have the money he claims to have, and that he really does owe various questionable lenders all those millions, and that all the female accusers are telling the truth and then some, and it is true that he thinks military personnel are suckers and losers, and that he knows he is not smart and that yes he did pay someone to take his SAT’s, and then he blurted out up so close into the phone that his uvula could be seen,
“And, NO, I am NOT the least racist person in the room. You working stiffs are so gullible you would let me shoot your mother on 5th Avenue. You believe I am fighting for you? You are all suckers for sending money to my campaign and for paying more taxes than me, oh wait, therefore I guess I am smart and by the way; SURPRISE, I am not under audit by the IRS. Wanna see my tax returns?”
And he throws his head back so far all that can be seen is his fat orange neck as he laughs uncontrollably and so does the new chef watching the shit show on FB. After all it was his genius idea to mash up the truth serum mushrooms into DJT’s hamburger.
But DJT didn’t tell his supporters that he suffers from narcissistic personality disorder and that he is blinded by hubris, because why would truth serum mushrooms be able to magically diagnose mental illness?
Just then Ivanka runs into the room and yanks the phone out of his hand violently.
“Daddy, what the hell do you think you are doing?”
“Telling the truth?????”
“Daddy, what the hell is wrong with you?”