12/7 (my 2020 soundtrack in 3 acts~ act i)

If any of you read my wtw before I left (and then came back because I'm a lonely sucker for writing praise and online friendships) you might have seen I responded to one of their prompts which was to list my quarantine playlist. Fun prompt, it might even still be there if you want. But anyway--what if we multiplied that, hmm?

What if we did that? *snarky smile*

Act i~ Coming of Age Kind of Picturesque/Young, Wild and Free (January 1-March 18, 2020)

i'm so tired by Lauv ft. Troye Sivan- Dear Carly, thanks for turning the beginning of my roaring 20's into a roaring, Great Gatsby style wonderland where every light is purple and every drink is held with pinkies up. We always listened to Lauv and Taylor Swift, especially her lover album. You might've loved Taylor Swft more than me. That's crazy. But we shouted this song the loudest in your car that the people next to us might've heard.

We made so many plans for the year, remember? We were going to go outside of Annapolis to that slam poetry bar and you'd tape it and Mel and I'd be the youngest poets there but we'd get the most applause. You were going to take me to college just to see the big library, and then I'd help you study to get your white coat.

I saw on facebook that you got your white coat and I'm really proud of you. I wish you'd return my calls.

Dear Winter by AJR- Dear Mrs. Lohr, I miss you. I miss the quiet moments in the back of the theater room and painting six foot fiddles. I miss saying my lines really fast so I could just go sit with you and this song. I miss you teaching me art techniques and if I ever see you again I promise I'll let you hug me--I feel bad now that I didn't before, but how could we know, right? Thanks for looking at pictures of my crush and my prom dress and my prom plans with him that he broke my heart before, thanks for not telling my mom all of that, and being there during my existential crises and breakdowns over paint. I'll fix my sculpture someday.

I'll let you hug me if I see you again--I might hug you first. I miss you, Mrs. Lohr. Thanks for being the best teacher in the world.

Before You Go by Lewis Capaldi- Dear Aunt B, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'd rush through my lines in your play to go work paint sets. I'm sorry it probably seemed like I quit theatre midway through the year and the only thing there was my presence. In my little brain I liked to think you were all-seeing. You saw everything, my emotions and how I was growing and changing and I thought by quitting theatre I'd just found myself, that's that. It was just a step.

I was so scared to tell you everything. We're talking again, but you still don't know what feels like anything about who I am.

You are not all-seeing. If you were, you'd have seen me crying in the bathroom the day you left teaching. You never said you were leaving the co-op, but I knew. I just knew. I blamed myself for that and put this song on repeat for hours when I got home.

You're not mad at me. I don't think you ever were. But it's still okay to say sorry, and Aunt B, I'm really really sorry.

Location by Khalid- Dear Sidney, you gave me the best morning of my life on February 10, 2020. I think you always think I'm joking when I say that because you tend to remind me that the whole sneaking out thing got me grounded, but it was only the rest of the week, and besides, it was so worth it. The mist and the popcorn you stole and I hummed this song and talked about having my heart broken and you told me about how you're sure you'll be a pastor's wife and I was fresh off of the flu and five pounds less and everything feels like a fever dream now.

I was talking about it yesterday and my mom didn't even remember at first, it seems so long ago. But it was real. I know, you know. It was real. It was the best, realest morning and I want to be able to live like that again someday.

Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince by Taylor Swift- Dear Seth, our relationship fell apart and I think I learned a lot from you. You were the first relationship that was more than a crush--we weren't quite together but we weren't just open for the taking. We were reserved for each other and it was so comfortable. I miss it still sometimes, I miss the staring and the careful-talk and the screaming and fighting over the fact that you won't read a book--I see now we only wanted the best for each other. I wish you all the best still.

We can finally be friends and talk and not feel sad now. It isn't weird anymore. I'm glad it happened, though. I'm glad it ended slow and painful. I'm glad we're alive, and you can be my first love,

This song got me through it all. Now it just makes me dance--New Year's Day reminds me most, but it's not sad anymore. You never liked sad. I'm not sad, you'd like that. It's nostalgic, we still see each other in the stars at night just like it used to be, but we aren't in love.

The last of the happy ended. Our relationship, and the world.

All the best to you all, stay safe and healthy, okay?

xx- Riley