“Breaking up wit u”

Sometimes I look back and I realize I was in love with a manipulative bitch.

She'd go from sobbing on my shoulder to screaming all of my flaws at me. And the next day, it was like nothing happened. She talked to me, she made jokes, and all the while, her cruel words were stuck in my head.

I always wondered if she just forgot. I wished I could forget that easily.

It's hard to break up when you were never together.

Like there was one time, over the summer, where I invited her and a friend over.

And she ended up kissing my friend there, in my backyard.

They dated for months, and I cried. I cried in the shower and I hid. I hid because now I had a sexuality to question, a gender to question.

Suddenly I was questioning everything.

Then I asked her out and she said yes.

But she moved to Sweden for a year.

I kept waiting for her to text me.

Nothing.

Then one day she texted me and started ranting about her boyfriend and I cried some more because I thought we had something. I thought she had finally noticed me, but no.

Nothing.

I was never anything to her. But she was everything to me.

A chance gift became my prized possession.

It went on for years. I'd finally think I'd found her and then I'd lose her again.

I wonder: did she know how much she hurt me? Did she know the scars, verbal and emotional, that she left on me?

Did she enjoy that?

I wonder, did she revel in my sobs, even when she couldn't hear them?

Did she ever regret telling me I was too scared, too weak, to die?

Does she even remember?

Or am I just another passing fad, another face in her cloak woven from broken hearts?

Sometimes I still cry when I think of her, although my crush faded a long time ago.

Because she taught me who I was, and at the same time, took it away.