IC MISSION: DAVE

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

LAURENT— An uptight woman, in starched business attire,

DAVE— A man with peachy skin and short brown hair wearing a white undershirt, stylish brown jacket, darker brown pants; and a hip pink, infinity silk scarf around his neck,

CONSPIRER #1— An old man with white wispy hair and warm winter clothes in a southerner style,

CONSPIRER #2— A fifteen-year-old boy who thinks he’s a doctor.

CONSPIRER #3— A woman looking to be in her seventies with thin, dry, brown hair and a purple winter jacket.

MICROWAVE MAN— Secretly an alien.

RANDOM CONSPIRER— Likes aliens.

IC MAN #1— Looks like one of the men in black. People thinks he’s the Government.

IC MAN #2— Also looks like one of the men in black. People also think he’s the Government.

FADE IN:

EXT. IFSN CONSPIRACY HEADQUARTERS ROOM – LATE NOON

A hallway in a shabby cabin with dark grey shag carpet floors and thin army green felt walls.

(A majority of older looking men and women enter the metal headquarter door with the exception of a few younger people in their mid-twenties.)

All are dressed in beanies and winter coats due to the surrounding weather.

(LAURENT (10,000(appears 30)) stands nonchalant by an open steel door. Her black flip phone rings and she discretely answers it. It is a recorded message of a male voice).

PHONE

Before you enter the premise, the IC feels it necessary that you know what you will be dealing with. As you know, leading this meeting is our least favorite immortal: Dave. For about a month now he has been acting reckless with our secret, toying around with mortals and their fragile minds. And, as you may have already assumed, has rallied a bunch of conspiracy “theorists” from his online blog here to discuss the “Mystery man.” I’m sure you can also guess who that is. He should be faking his death any day now, and for our sake, we’ll have us at least ten years rest from his antics. Your job is to make sure he doesn’t leak anything detrimental for the IC and other immortals like yourself. Be careful though, these conspiracy “theorists” look at every insignificant detail, so if you’re caught doing or saying anything that could come off suspicious to them before Dave fakes another death, you’ll be wanting to hold a shotgun and a switchblade close by your sides. Good luck.

(The crowd of conspirators diminishes. LAURENT files in orderly after them, chin held erect and dignified).

INT. IFSN CONSPIRACY HEADQUARTERS ROOM – LATE NOON

(LAURENT finds a seat among the many chairs close to the metal door.)

The Room is just as unpleasing to look at as the hallway. This time the felt walls are a bland beige color. In the center of the room in front of the table is a big bulletin board that takes up most of the wall.

(DAVE (12,000(appears 27) comes in half running with a ton of loose papers and news articles with photos.)

(The conspirators remain unphased.)

DAVE

(In a loud and exaggerated voice) All right people! It’s happening! It’s happening! (DAVE slaps down the papers hard on the table sending a few of the papers twirling in the air. DAVE gestures dramatically to the crowded bulletin board. He speaks fast.)

DAVE

There have been sightings of this man everywhere! Look look look, they have him in The New York Times, US Today, even The Wallstreet Journal. He’s in pictures, paintings, and videos too! He’s been here throughout the centuries and yet the Government doesn’t even claim to know about him; Very suspicious, right?

CONSPIRATOR #1

(CONSPIRATOR #1 (56) looks at DAVE ponderingly. He slouches back in his chair and intertwines his fingers accusingly. His voice is gruff and has a southern accent.) Well I’m a historian, and therefore, cannot forget a human face. Now I don’t know obout you, but don’t you find it a little fishy that our Mystery Man looks exactly like you Mister Dave?

(LAURENT’s face twists in confusion)

LAURENT

Wait. Hold on a second. How on earth can being a historian make you unable to forget a face? Don’t you mean you’re a Super-Recognizer who just happens to be a historian?

CONSPIRATOR #1

No, of course not. Dem Super-recogners are a bunch o’ witches and Government robots. Do I look like a warty hag with a broomstick or sound like one of dem gosh darn robots?!?!

(DAVE pretends to be shocked, milking the expression by holding a stretched-out hand to his chest and opening his mouth wide in a louder than needed gasp. His voice is extra dramatic)

DAVE

Young lady. (DAVE winks at her) You dare call Mr. Darby Willcur a Government robot! My poor dear, are you alright. I mean I just can’t, I just won’t believe that she just called you one of those evil Government robots. Shame on you; miss Laurent, shame on you.

LAURENT

(Looking even more confused now) Wait, how did, how did you know my name???

CONSPIRATOR #2

(15) (Adjusts his glasses high and mightily) Well, I’d just like to say for one, that I am a fully licensed doctor. (CONSPIRER #2 pulls out an obviously fake Doctor’s license and holds it so the entire room can see). And because I am a licensed doctor, I can easily explain why we know all each other’s names despite only meeting for the first time. All conspirators have a Spidey Sense. When one of us sees something we weren’t supposed to see, we send the message (CONSPIRER #2 strongly holds two pointer fingers to both sides of his temple) telepathically, to the others, before the Government kills them! We call the sense: I Have A Feeling.

(LAURENT stands knowingly, looking at the others like CONSPIRATOR #2 is clearly crazy).

LAURENT

Okay, clearly, everyone can see that this child is not a doctor. (LAURENT takes the doctors license from CONSPIRATOR #2 and reads it). See, it says: Official Doctrine degree of Sir Wigglesbury. I mean this kid is what? Fifteen? (LAURENT giggles uncomfortably in front of a bunch of unfriendly glares and a CONPSIRATOR #2 who is starting to cry). And, and I mean, I mean what kind of name is Wigglesbury, am, am I right, you guys?

(DAVE dramatically strides over to CONSPIRATOR #2 and comforts him. He then looks at LAURENT disapprovingly).

DAVE

That Is enough miss Laurent! You have been banished to the Microwave of Shame!

(All conspirators in unison repeat ominously) “The Microwave of Shame”.

(LAURENT looks around baffled for a few moments, speechless, before walking defeatedly to the microwave in the back. LAURENT sits next to a small, dirty, and smelly man with a tinfoil hat who is waiting for his burrito to heat up; he is muttering some strange gibberish.

MICROWAVE MAN

(Snorts) h, hi. (Takes his burrito from the microwave and takes a giant bite. He speaks with his mouth full.) I’m a Skincare specialist.

DAVE

(At the front of the room) Now, getting back to our subject. (DAVE begins to walk back in forth across the room like a lawyer at trial would do. He speaks more calmy now, devoid of all his energy as if he were actually being serious.) You see, I have pondered this greatly. Henceforth my blog and this here meeting. There is, in fact, only one me. And I have only been on this earth for twenty-seven odd years, hence my appearance. That would mean only one thing…there are, in fact, two of myself. But that is impossible, is it not? So that can only leave one person responsible—

CONSPIRATOR #1

The Government! Of course, that there is the only logical explanation that makes sense!

(LAURENT relaxes in her chair once more.)

(DAVE returns to his energetic and extra personality again.)

DAVE

Exactly. But how are they doing this? Come on, people, I got a clipboard, paper, and a pencil. I need ideas, give me something, we have a room full of talented theorists. We must get to the bottom of this.

(CONSPIRATOR #3 (54) thrusts up a finger pointed up in the air with her idea.)

(The other conspirators continue to mumble amongst themselves.)

CONSPIRATOR #3

I’ve got it! The Government is trying to make clones so they can get rid of us or enslave us and take over the world! And it looks like they’ve already started. I say we go and attack them now!

(MICROWAVE MAN’s tin foil hat falls off his head. He hurries to put it back on).

(CONSPIRATOR #1 puts his hands out low in front of him passive-aggressively).

CONSPIRATOR #1

Whoa, calm down there, miss, we don’t have ’nough people to do that just yet. And anyhow, how do you explain the fact that that there clone of Mister Dave has been around longer than he’s been alive. And that this clone has died many times in the past.

(The conspirators look at him, DAVE does too).

(LAURENT becomes uneasy again ready to spring into action once more).

(CONSPIRATOR #1 remains unphased by the staring).

CONSPIRATOR #1

Before this here meeting, I happened to look into our Mystery Man to see if there was any books on him or textbooks that had paintings and what not of him. Like a historian does. And that there is why I know all obout his deaths.

(CONSPIRATOR #3 ponders in silence once more). (A beat)

CONSPIRATOR #3

Easy. The Government in the future must have created a time machine, looked at old city records from our present time now, found Dave, and cloned him by stealing a hair from his grave or something; and, oh boy, here’s the good part, sent him back centuries just to throw us off their trail. But NO we’re all way too smart for those evil politicians. WE knew that they were already doing this to celebrities for years already. This is just the proof we need!

(Suddenly, two men dressed like the men in black smash through the wall. It is the IC).

(Everyone scrambles around in panic trying to escape).

(MICROWAVE MAN jolts up so fast his tinfoil hat falls off again, this time to reveal he has two big green alien antennae coming out from his head).

MICROWAVE MAN

It’s the Government! (Snorts). They’ve found me! (Snorts). There’s no way I’m going back to Area 51! (Snorts). You can’t make meeee!

DAVE

Wait, you’re a— no way. I had no idea.

RANDOM CONSPIRATOR

(super chill and relaxed hiding behind a chair). I knew aliens were real.

(CONSPIRATOR #1 looks frantically around in his duffle bag).

CONSPIRATOR #1

Those darn Democrats mind controlled me into not bringing my gun this morning!

(CONSPIRATOR #2 holds two pointer fingers to both sides of his temple again with his eyes closed concentrating; he is shaking hard from trying to make something happen).

CONSPIRATOR #2

Feeeeeelingggs!!!!!!!

(DAVE slams his fist against the wall to make a loud BANG. DAVE pretends to have been shot).

DAVE

I’ve been shot. (Dramatically slumps to the ground. DAVE stretches out a hand to the two IC men). Remember me not for what I am, but for who I was. (Pretends to die)

(MICROWAVE MAN dabs his tears with his tinfoil hat).

(DAVE jolts up, looks from side to side, bolts to the door, and gets away).

IC MAN #1

(To LAURENT). You’re fired.

LAURENT

Yeah, I figured that much.

FADE OUT:

END