First Day Of My Life

( series of poems walking the reader through the grief process )

Denial, 1: They Got the Wrong Person

They got the wrong person. They mixed you two up, how funny that you look so similar to someone so long gone.

I feel terribly sad for that family of course but at least they’re not me.

Life, when are you heading home? Im growing cold here in this apartment alone.

There are people outside our door wanting to talk, yet something in me won’t answer their knocks.

They got the wrong person, right?

You did not leave me Life, please tell me it’s not true.

I feel so stupid,

I grew reliant on your heat,

and now I’m shivering in the dark as I hold out hope you’ll unlock our door first.

Please, they got the wrong person.

“You were the better part of every bit of beating heart that I had, whatever I had. I finally sat alone, pitch black flesh and bone, couldn't believe that you were gone” -You’re Somebody Else by flora cash

Denial, 2: The Loud Type of Silence

I am experiencing that loud type of silence.

The ringing in my ears dulls everything else out as I sit with my hands on my head.

“Think of something happy”

Remember that time we went camping? It was cold then as it’s cold now.

Your smile was bright, your smile was my heat. Your laughter warmed my soul.

Watching the video in my head replay, except each time the sound fades out more and more.

Are you also thinking of that happy memory? Or are they now stained with dried tears and guilt?

Life you cannot be gone, for as Death I will be alone.

“Cold sheets, oh, where's my love? I am searching high, I'm searching low in the night” - Where’s My Love-Acoustic by SYML

Anger, 1: Anger Towards Life

I hate you.

No that’s not true.

I’m angry with you.

You left me behind. You left me and the promise to “stay”, behind.

I only got seven years with you.

Seven years.

It was a good time but all I can focus on right now is how much I want more time. I’m angry at you for leaving.

I needed you Life. I needed your warmth, brightness, happiness, smile. But maybe you’d been faking it that whole time.

You lied.

I can’t believe you lied, you made a promise that day we said “I do”, that there would never be secrets between us.

Yet, you broke a promise and kept it from me for God knows how long.

Your promise to stay.

You promised to wake up by my side, to hold me close and watch me sleep. You promised to sit with me as I cried and you promised to share your own insecurities. You promised to be with me on Christmas because it was only with you in which Christmas was cheerful.

You promised to love me and I trusted you.

I handed you my trust and then you broke it.

Yet, no matter how angry I am, I beg you please I just want to see your smile one more time.

“Only hold till your coffee warms, but don't hurry and speed” - Beach Baby by Bon Iver

Anger, 2: Anger Towards Death

I don’t understand why.

Did I do something wrong? Did I squash one too many beetles outside our apartment or accidentally ruin someone’s day?

Maybe it was that time I spilled coffee on that man’s tie, he had an upset look on his face. There was nothing I could do except be on my way.

Just one more word to stop your day, “Good Morning would you like some coffee?” or maybe if I knew I could have said, “I love you.”

Why didn’t I say I love you?

You said it, I remember, and I grumbled it back with the excuse of it being too early. Is that my fatal flaw? Is that what went wrong?

I hate myself for not being more alert.

If only I had known you had to make a trip down the pier, I would have gone with you I swear.

I’m so sorry I didn’t see it coming, maybe both our eyes were blurry, yours from the water that drowned you and mine from the haze of disbelief.

Anger is not a flattering look on me right now, please Life look away until I get some space. I’ve wronged you dead, I will not let it happen again.

“Why won't you ever say what you want to say? Even my phone misses your call” - From The Dining Table by Harry Styles

Bargaining, 1: Reaching Out a Hand

Remember our old friend Faith? They were a member of the friend group we associated with in college.

Faith just learned what happened to you and suddenly decided to visit from twelve hours away. I know by now you would laugh and say “be nice,” and I will be, it’s just annoying.

I haven’t talked to them in so long and now that one tragic thing has happened I suddenly have to converse with them? They are probably only here for business anyway and I’m just a tourist event. The “Pity Express.”

I’ll try to do this but only for you. I need to get ready.

…

Life, it’s almost Thanksgiving. One of the worst holidays in my opinion but this year seems worse without you. Your Mom invited me over but I am not sure if I will go, I am no longer related to them after all.

After Thanksgiving is Christmas, the true holiday I dread.

What am I supposed to do? Do I set up a tree and poke a fire? Should I continue our tradition of drinking warm apple cider while watching terribly cringy Hallmark movies?

No, I cant it wouldn’t be the same. No one would be there to laugh with me, I won’t have anyone to hang ornaments with and you won’t get to watch me try and reach the top of the tree for the star and laugh.

No one will be there and that’s the problem.

Yet, no need for more mourning I’ve done that for too long, besides we have a friend coming over.

…

Faith doesn’t look a day over thirty, they also are as bubbly as the time I last talked to them.

“Why didn’t you call me sooner?” They asked feigning sternness.

That’s a stupid question and not one that you would scold me for frowning about. You would also agree.

“That’s a dumb question,” I said. Oops, I guess I said that out loud, now that would get a slap over the head from you.

“Sorry it’s just I’ve been busy, Lifes funeral is soon and with the holidays so soon I haven’t really thought to call people,” I explained and Faith nodded.

“I am so sorry,” they said making me cringe. I hate apologizes almost as much as I hate you not being here right now.

“I’ve missed you tons and thought about you and Life many times since our last meeting. I can’t believe the last time we had spoken before you know was last year.” they finished.

Right, I had forgotten it’s illegal to say Life is dead.

“It’s okay, I know Life thought of you tons. Kept up with you on Facebook.” I said with a smile. It feels as if Faith was the one to lose a spouse instead of me.

“I can’t stay long because I have a meeting soon but I want you to know you can call me at any time. In fact, I encourage it.” They said smiling brightly. I haven’t seen a smile that bright since you left.

“Okay, I will,” I said exhausted, and lead her out the door, closing it quickly and pressing my back against it.

I will definitely not be calling them and I think you would agree.

“Now I ain't the toughest hickory that your ax has ever felled, but I'm a hickory just as well. I'm a hickory all the same.” - Lady May by Tyler Childers

Bargaining, 2: Grief Counseling

“Hi, my name is Death and I am struggling with grief.”

“Hi Death.” rang out in a chorus of unhappy voices.

No no no I can’t do this. I don’t care how much you would have gotten a laugh out of this, this is torture. How did I end up here?

“Do you wanna share your story with the group?” the leader said with a smile so sweet it made my teeth hurt.

My what? Is this a joke? This has to be a joke, now I’m just waiting for John Quiñones to jump out saying “excuse me, I’m John Quiñones with the TV show What Would You Do?”

I know for sure I am making a face that resembles close to a dying cat but what do they expect me to say?

“Um, my spouse of seven years drowned,” I said with a laugh.

I laughed. I actually just laughed. The fact that I laughed is just making me laugh more and now I sound hysterical in a small dusty room surrounded by people who get stickers when they feel upset.

I need to leave.

I say “excuse me” and run out laughing harder at their concerned faces. I reach my car, unlocking it with the old janky keys, and rest my head on the steering wheel trying to calm down.

I hit the call button on my phone and listen to the soothing ringing sound on the car’s Bluetooth before your mom picks up.

“Hey sweetie, how did it go?” she asked and I snorted.

“Better than I expected, I couldn’t do it, and before you yell at me please know I tried. It was torture.” I sighed deeply. She exhaled loudly to showcase her disappointment before speaking tiredly.

“Okay, I understand. I just wanted you to have someone to talk to. Phone a friend please, and visit me soon?” She asked.

“Of course, I will see you soon,” I said and hung up to sit there and ponder. The stickers you placed all over the dashboard were peeling off and my eyes burned with the promise of tears.

Phone a friend? Who though?

…

“Thanks for going on this picnic with me Patience,” I said smiling into my tea as I inhaled the steam. It was a cat-nip tea, which sounded strange to me at first but has become my favorite of all time. Let it steep for a little while then add honey and simple syrup, I had poured it in a thermos to remain hot.

“Of course, we haven’t spoken in a minute but I knew we would want to get together soon,” they said placing the mini sandwiches I bought on a decorative plate they had found. I had been texting them a few times over the past few months but this is the first time hanging out in person since Life passed.

“You are psychic,” I said and we laughed, it feels good to laugh, I haven’t laughed enough since you left.

“I am, so talk to me, what’s been going on?” They asked with a genuine smile that reached their eyes.

“I don’t know it’s just been hard recently. The funeral keeps being put off because of family issues and at this point, I don’t even know if it’s worth keeping up with. I will feel so out of place, Life’s mom asked me to say a few words but I don’t know what to say. Life died too young? My life sucks now?” I ranted and Patience just hummed as they sipped the tea I prepared and brought for them, although they had a jasmine-lemon tea with only honey.

“Anyway, I’ve just been cruising along,” I said cutting my splurge short. I wonder what you would say right now, would you tell me to suck it up? Would you hold me? I guess there isn’t a point to think of “what-if’s” anymore.

“Death you know it’s okay to feel sad right? There is no expiration date on grief. It’’s forever, yet it’s up to you on whether you want to remember the happy memories or the sad ones.” They said and I gave a short laugh.

“When did you get so wise?” I said with a warm smile, this could be nice, having a friend who cares?

Patience and I continued our talk until dark. It’s the first time I truly felt happy without you, although I cried the entire way home. I wish I didn’t have to confide in a friend. I wish you weren’t gone at all. I wish you were here.

“I surrender who I've been for who you are. For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart. If I had only felt how it feels to be yours, well I would have known what I've been living for all along.” -Turning Page by Sleeping At Last

Depression, 1: Sun Cycle

Warmth settles in my bones as I rearrange the covers to shield my face from the blazing enemy.

The only reason the curtains were opened was that it was muscle memory by now, you had loved to wake up in the sun, much to my annoyance.

The people I’ve met in my life going through grief made it look easy, they carried on and looked strong, it’s admirable now knowing what it feels like on the inside.

You had a hold on my heart for so long, your hand was a fist around the involuntary muscle and it squeezed tightly with love.

Yet now, my heart is gone. Ripped from my chest when you fell from that dock, never to be whole again and it hurts.

I wish for nothing more than to wake up from this unending nightmare. I want to open my eyes now and see your peaceful face, to grab ahold of your hand and never let go again.

Will I ever love again? I don’t believe I can love another as much as you.

I pull back the covers to find the enemy has retreated, it was night.

“Only love is all maroon. Lapping lakes like leary loons. Leaving rope burns reddish rouge” - Flume by Bon Iver

Depression, 2: Ghost

You haunt me.

Taunt me with the impossible.

I see you on the train, in the window of a coffee shop, in my friends, in the dogs playing outside the apartment, in the leaves as they turn orange, in the soft covers of my bed, in the neighborhood swimming pool, on the bikes traveling to mystery, in our favorite shows, in the food truck down the street, in the clouds above my head, In the lights of the dark city, as a soft rainfall overcomes me, in the pack of cigarettes unopened on your bedside table, in the fluffy gray cat I set food out for sometimes, in the butterflies I see marching to the park, in the cold ring on my left hand, in the old photos covered in dust, in the cheerfulness of your mother’s laugh, in the cold that overcomes me at night, in the clothes locked in the second closet, in the silence that seems to settle on our home, in the romance novels I read, you’re everywhere.

“Wings wouldn't help you down. Down towards the ground, gravity's proud.” - Roslyn by Bon Iver

Acceptance, 1: Funeral

It was cold the morning of your funeral, well it was more of a memorial seeing as you’ve been cremated for almost a year, but still emotional as expected.

I had a light wool cardigan pulled on but the cold didn’t bother me as much as the ache in my heart did.

Your mother stood, sniffed then proceeded to start the service. I didn’t pay attention much until my name was called. My hands shook and my ears grew hot. Most of the seats were taken up by family I didn’t know. I spotted Faith and then my eyes quickly settled on Patience who gave me a kind smile and a slight nod. I fumbled with the piece of paper I used to scramble some thought down on but eventually, I balled it up and stuffed it in my pocket.

...

“Life told me once that I was taking pessimism for granted. That sometimes others needed to be optimistic so people could be pessimistic. That was one year into our relationship and the night I first saw Life cry. I promised myself I would never let anything hurt them again.

As I stand here a year after their death I don’t feel angry or upset, I feel proud of who they were. Their brightness added just enough to others to stand out in this world, Life changed so many, including me. So for Life, leave regrets behind closed doors and don’t allow blame to reach up and snatch you. Life wants us happy.

My love for them is unending but it’s time to rest, go in peace, my love.”

...

I cut the speech short in fear of crying in front of the crowd. I walked out the side door and sat on one of the brightly colored chairs breathing heavy. A moment later Patience knelt in front of me with a tissue. When did they get there?

“I’m proud of you.” They said and I could not holland my tears in any longer. Patience eventually brought me into a hug so my sobs were muffled and not disturbing the mourning family a few feet away.

Patience rubbed my back awkwardly until I calmed down enough to pull away for a conversation. My face felt sticky and the air tasted stale.

“Lifes gone,” I said softly followed by a soft “I know.” from Patience.

“You took my soul and wiped it clean. Our love was made for movie screens” - All I Want by Kodaline