it matters to me

Does it matter?

I always think of her soft face and warm voice

Of her legs becoming your pillow,

When you thought you had a tiny crush on that woman.

No, it doesn’t matter.

Does it matter?

Whenever the wind wrecked havoc in that heart of yours, you ran to her.

And I was waiting by the phone, hoping I’d be placed upon your pedestal.

When I’d had enough I made you chose, and you didn’t.

That was a choice on itself.

Does it matter?

How I still think of her lips on your skin

And the stories you share about how she made you happy

But I was standing right there, underneath your tree

I don’t think it matters.

Maybe it matters,

The way I can’t bring myself to ask you if you still speak to Sophia

If she’s done making excuses and admits her love for you.

A tiny spark of hate I cannot conceal when you bring up her name.

It matters to me.

And of course it matters,

The fact I was cut wide open and you bled me out

You left me standing by the theatre and chose to break me on Valentines

How you said you couldn’t love such a volatile soul

But I always did love you.

It matters,

The fact you think I am strong enough to walk away

And find your replacement in the arms of another man

When I know in my soul you’ll be the one to cut this off

When she is foolish enough to claim her love.

I matter,

And the way I love you matters,

And the stupid, stubborn way you have of closing off, it matters.

And I won’t find your replacement,

Because I cannot be you.

You matter,

When you say we are not forever you break my heart a bit further

Of course we have borrowed time, but I don’t like the reminder,

And so you’re choosing me for a time frame,

And I am an expiration date.

And it matters,

How I think this might be the last month, or year

Or day.

And it breaks me.

It matters,

How I hate myself so much and I wish I could be like her

How every heartbreak song I can relate to spells your name

But you’re still standing.

I am tired of pretending it doesn’t matter.

It does.

It does matter.

And I cannot delete it.

Just like you cannot deny her.

***

this prompt is inspired by some of my own experiences, tbh. the prompt was 'does it matter' and its just about how you belittle things so they dont hurt you but deep down they do.

thank you for reading :)

-mel