Y’all Got it All Wrong

Dear Lovely Humans,

Christmas lights, the only real illumination of the world on Christmas Eve. The only thing Santa can truly use to guide his way. That's at least what you books say. You see, even though in all the stories and movies, all the books you read about Christmas, they aren’t telling the truth. Santa isn’t fat, he doesn’t have a big white beard, and he doesn’t eat your cookies. He doesn’t ride around on a magical sleigh pulled by reindeer. No, you see that is all the elves. Santa isn’t even real. It’s something that us elves came up with a long time ago to explain to you,what was really happening on Christmas. We were saving you, from yourselves. Christmas is a magical time of year, but unfortunately, you humans can’t survive without Santa Clause. Without the man in the red, someone parading around singing carols to people, you will all die. Not really, but you get my point. You see,Santa is a mythical being. We created him, and we are the ones who are actually in charge. It's the only way we can keep our anyimity. It’s the only way that us elves can survive.

All of the elves have different skills. My best friend Ed for example, is great with lights. My girlfriend, Jen, is great at fashion. And me, well, I am a writer. I write all of your christmas stories, I was the one who came up with Rudolph. The reindeer whose nose guided the way on a stormy Christmas, the actual story is much more funny than that. And I will tell you because it’s hilarious.

One that specific Christmas eve, it wasn't foggy, it wasn’t storming, and there for sure was no Rudolph. What happened that night will change history. (That was sarcastic by the way). Anyways, that night when we took off with the presents, the gifts and everything, we flew for your information, on jet packs. We’ve had those for about 100 years but we like to see you guys fail at building them, it’s quite funny.

Back to Rudolph. So that night we all took off, with everything, but when I came to New York City. I saw the Statue of Liberty, standing there, looking lonely. And then I looked over and saw a large bundle of christmas lights, they were all red. And I came up with the grand idea to take those lights, and wrap them around the crown of the Statue of liberty, and then parade it around NYC. I did, and that is where the story of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer came from, it was Lady Liberty lit up with red christmas lights. HA, bet you didn’t think that was what I was gonna say.

I feel like I’ve gotten kind of off track here, back to me. I am the head writer, I write all the stories, and I make sure that the stories about us, the elves and Santa Clause, are correct. Or, at least correct in the sense of how we want the story to be told.

Sometimes though, I come across web sites like Prose, and I decide to test my hand at writing against you famed writers of the human world.(in a super deep voice like morgan freeman or something like that) And so that is what I am doing. I’m telling a story. A story that may be true, or maybe this elf is just tricking you. But I just wanted to say, Santa isn’t real. He’s us. So it would be mightily impossible for me to write a story about an elf, who is going against Santa, if Santa is the freakin elves. Just sayin.

So to round this wonderful story out, I would love to tell you another one of your christmas stories that I have created, and then written stories about, and then they become your fantasies. The story I am mentioning is…

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN. Just kidding that is actually factual. Don’t make me explain how, I honestly don’t know, you’d have to talk to the elves that handle inanimate objects. That is something a bit above my pay grade. The real story that I have given you humans, is the story of The elves and the shoemaker. This one isn’t as crazy or out of this world as the Rudolph story, but it is quite interesting. You see, elves are actually quite terrible shoemakers, we suck at it. Anytime we try to even lace up some shoes for someone, we break the entire shoe, and the threads of the lace all fall apart. So this story was actually born out of the fact that nobody would believe someone saying a human helped elves create shoes, or make them. No, nobody would believe that, it was just out of this world. To elvish, just kidding that’s a bad pun. So in my downtime I thought that what if the elves helped the shoemaker create the shoes. And it became a bestseller. The shoemaker became quite mad, at me and all the elves. Almost ratted out our operation to the authorities. But it worked out, and he got paid quite handsomely.

So as you can see, there is no possible way that Santa Clause is real, the elves are Santa. Just drill that into your mind now, because if you do, the naughty and nice list, might not be checked twice…

(just kidding, we actually check it like 500 times to make sure we have enough toys. Sorry if that ruined your song Frank.)

Thanks for letting me write with you humans, it is quite an experience. But honestly, if you try to make someone write a bad thing about Santa, you should probably get your facts right, cause it's pretty impossible for a elf to go against another elf. Well, not impossible. It did happen once. I should probably tell you that story.

You see, he forgot to check the list that one last time, and so we didn't have enough toys. And his excuse was that he heard on the radio that Frank Sinatra said"He's making a list, and checkin' it twice, gonna find out who's naughty or nice" and that made him think we were all doing it wrong. It spiraled out of control and so that is where the beatles came from. He was John Lennon actually, quite a crazy story that one. We had to send an elf to go kill him, you know, he couldn't spill the secrets of the universe type of thing. And we've been trying to get that dude out of jail for a while now, but turns our you humans really liked John. Just kidding I made that entire thing up. We actually have never had any "rogue elves" so that kind of defeats the purpose of your prompt.

Sorry.

With Love and tons and tons and tons and tons of presents(it's literally tons),

The Elves, and more specifically J.R.R. Tolkien.

p.s.( we actually do speak elvish, its a quite a complicated langueage, but nothing like English, I mean that, that is a nightmare.)