20 feet deep
The precarious first step, the realisation that you are stuck in the mud, that you are no longer a teen, you are 20-ish (creative licence used), and drowning in the situation you have found yourself in.
That trapped sinking feeling in your stomach. That you are 20-ish feet deep.
The first step for me was not when I left school, or finished University or even when I was on the cusp of being made redundant. The realisation that I was drowning came when my long-standing family, friend who I had lost touch with for years decided to visit.
I had heard from my parents that he had gotten a girlfriend, gotten weighty and gotten a baby. All of these things repulsed me, the idea of commitment was a ball and chain that I almost laughed at, that I was free of such things.
It was when they came down to the quiet of our little baby-less bubble that I realised he was happy. It was when he asked what I was doing now that I realised, I had been stuck in the mud without realising it. I oodles in educational debt, no commitment, soon to be no job and no clue. That the sleepless nights and the headaches were symptoms of restless mind.
That evening the meal out was a nightmare, I never went out. I, as my dad commented was a “home-bird” this only added to the discomfort. As they cooed at the baby in the cot remarking of their recent venture into getting their own place. I could only nod and smile. The only saving grace was another friendly face, some guy from school-days behind the bar I had been crushing on, but would never fully consider.
We parted ways for the evening and promised to meet the next night, having completed the first reunion dinner, I turned to bed, as least I had managed to go out.
Then with another restless night, I checked social media armed with a name and face of my long-standing friends’ girlfriend. After about 10 minutes I found myself scrolling to the waiter of that evening only to be rejected by his relationship status with the waitress.
Having reached that first step, the moment of greatest enthusiasm with smallest follow-through, wanting to change.