I’m Sorry

Today I decided to look up. The ceiling of my room brought me some form of calmness.

I cannot deny it, I’ve been scared recently. Nervous, confused, ashamed...

When I'm home I feel wanted and so aware. It is as if I control the world and I can accomplish any and all tasks thrown at me but in Colorado, I feel as if I am weighted down.

I walk dragging my feet across the floor. I am sluggish, constantly saddened. It is not the people around me for I see their smiles and open arms they offer. It is not that I am incapable of fitting in. It is me.

I struggle to stay motivated sometimes, skip class and cry later.

I made it to college, the first of my siblings, the first to say “I did it” ... but now, I wander the campus, aimlessly. I don’t know what I want. I had a vision and it’s been blurred.

Lost goals, poor attendance, empty bank accountant, dangling faith...

What will they say to the girl that once held her head up high, beyond the clouds? The little girl, loving sister and most hard-working daughter the world once was blessed with.

Until I looked up and saw the ceiling, I said it was time for me to give up.

I had assumed and re-pictured my future. I go off in a rant,

“Lord look at Me! Acknowledge me. I work my ass off every fucking day, harder than any person I have ever met. Look at me and keep staring. I’m tired. I’m pissed. People who are driven by hate and anger, why do they always get what they want, whenever they want it. Like a broken mirror, I’m shattered. Look at me! I’m down, I've met another low. Have you not noticed me? I’m searching for a path, not the God damn answer. Just a path... Give me my old self back. I can fill the buckets by the amount of tears I have cried. Look at me and stare. Stare into my eyes. Can you see me now?”

I visualized the tear’s rolling down my mother’s eyes and the humiliated nod from my father. I heard the word “failure” spilling out of the mouths of my brothers and the word “quitter” from my sisters. 

Until, I saw the ceiling, I looked at the ground and asked, where am I going?

Now, I look back up and with a new shine in my eyes, I say “I’m sorry” to myself … welcome back.