Don’t Chirp Before Bed

A sharp, cold streak assaulted my face, rousing me from my sleep and making me thrash my arms around for the culprit. Standing in front of me was Julia, a quarter-full cooking pot in one hand and her hip under the other.

The scowl on her face and the sensation of water dripping off my forehead was pretty strong evidence that I had fucked up royally.

“Glad that woke you up,” Julia said. “It’s not like I haven’t been trying for the last ten minutes. You’re in some seriously deep shit, Billy.”

As the shock of being woken like that wore away, the hangover started to kick in.

“Listen baby,” I said with a groan. “I know I got a bit hammered last night, but I swear me and the guys kept the fun PG-13 last night. No drugs, no cops, and definitely no girls-”

Julia’s response came in the form of a slap across my aching head.

“That’s not the problem, dumbass,” she said. “Check your freaking phone.”

“Ugh, fine, but can you get me some water-” I started to say before realizing I fell into her trap.

Another torrent of water from Julia’s pot splashed me across the face before she stormed out of the bedroom.

“I’m calling your agent to do some fucking damage control,” she said from the other room. “Hopefully he can help you fix this mess you’ve gotten yourself in.”

Confusion turned to panic and then to confusion once more as I unlocked the phone and saw in the notifications that I had nearly a hundred new voicemails, text messages and emails. I went through the contacts list and tried to make some sense of what was going on.

Archie, Jason, Terrell and Wade were all at the top of the list, all of saying nonsensical things. But then I saw that Coach Jeffries had texted too and I opened it up.

You realize that kind of behavior is completely unacceptable, right? the last message said.

I scrolled up to the first messages he sent that night but none of them made any sense.

“Baby...” I said loudly. “What exactly did I do?”

“Check your freaking Chirpper account already,” Julia shouted back.

“Thank you.”

I opened up Chirpper and it didn’t take me long to realize that I must have done something truly horrifying.

Quarterback Billy Matthews, Confirmed Predator? a SportsNetwork headline read.

Billy Matthews Says He’d Sleep With A 15-Year-Old, the Times headline said.

“What the fuck is going on?” I said before checking my own profile.

And there I finally see it, the post that makes my skin crawl.

*

My eyes sit in my hands, protecting me from the disapproving glances that Julia, Coach Jeffries and Mr. Jackson all cast my way as my agent speaks beside me.

″...And upon discovering that his account had been hacked while he slept, Mr. Matthews deleted the Chirps and immediately met with ownership to make it clear, in no uncertain terms, that he was not the one who said those terrible things.”

My hangover was long gone by the time he finished speaking, but a new headache was rearing its ugly head.

“Fine,” Mr. Jackson, said. “We’ll release that statement to the public immediately. But now I’d like to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth. Look at me, Billy.”

I lifted my head up out of my hands but can barely look Mr. Jackson in the eyes.

“Did you send out those Chirps?” he asked.

“I honestly don’t know,” I answered back.

“Were you drinking? Were you high?”

“No, I was just drinking, Mr. Jackson. I took a cab home after leaving the club and made it all the way to the apartment. But I must have blacked out after I got in.”

“And yet despite being blacked out you had the presence of mind to get into a Chirp conversation with a random fan?” Mr. Jackson asked.

“I must have,” I said.

Mr. Jackson sighed. I was crushed.

“Have we contacted the person Billy spoke to at all?” Mr. Jackson asked.

“We felt that wasn’t prudent,” my agent said. “Getting that fan involved - even if we could verify his or her identity - wouldn’t do anything to help us on a public relations front.”

“Where do we stand legally?”

“I spoke to Billy’s lawyer and he told me we’ll have to wait and see. If the person in the photo really is only 15, then it’s possible that an overzealous DA might come after Billy as part of some kind of broader effort. But it wouldn’t hurt to put him into contact with the team lawyer to pre-empt a defense if one is needed.”

“Fine. Good.”

I felt a sharp job in my side and realized my agent was now looking at me.

“Billy, we’re done. Is there anything else you want to say?”

I looked up and around at everyone who seemed so disappointed in me.

“Only that I meant no harm and that it won’t happen again. And I just wanted to... thank everyone for having my back through this. I promise: Your faith in me won’t be misplaced.”

“Well,” Mr. Jackson started. “You can at least make it up to Coach Jeffries by throwing a touchdown or three next week. Nothing helps people forget a scandal quite like winning.”

Everyone laughed at Mr. Jackson’s comment and I couldn’t help but chuckle either. But his face then got very serious and I choked back my remaining laughs.

“That said, you’re going to need to make some serious lifestyle changes if you want to be a part of this team for the long haul.”

“Yes sir.”

“No more late night parties, a hard limit on drinking, and for Christs’ sake do NOT use Chirpper before you go to bed.”

I stood up and did my best impression of a scout’s salute.

“You can count on me sir.”

“Good. Now get out there and win me some damn football games.”