Old Messages

Sometimes I look through our old messages. I dont miss you but I look through them anyways. I dont miss us but still I find myself scrolling through the essays we would send eachother when we were up late, unable to sleep because we were just so in love. Ill read the paragraphs we would send each other, promising that one day we would get married, that one day we would wake up next to each other, and that we were so lucky not have fallen in love so early.

I saw one recently where I told you "I am so happy you decided to let me love you." I was so small. It was just a couple of months ago but I cant remember what it feels like to know with such certainty that I had it all worked out. That I was going to be that happy for the rest of my life as long as I had you.

I saw another that you sent me that said "I knew from the moment we met that we were going to have something so special." did you know that it would end with me living in another state, reading our old messages and wondering how I didnt see the train coming toward us? Did you know it was going to last just two months, and that three months after you left me crying in Penn station I would still be heart broken? Did you know that what you meant when you called me "caring" or "loving" was malleable? Did you know that five months after you sent those texts I would still be trying to figure out what an unbroken person looks like? Still trying to figure out how to replace the pieces of my life that you stole from me? Still trying to wipe your fingerprints off of all of the things in my room that remind me of you?

You fucking ruined me. I know one day this will be over and I wont cry when I think of the night you stayed in my apartment and played with my hair as I told you that you were the only person I ever wanted to be with, and I know that one day I wont feel like throwing my phone out a window and moving to a cave in the woods so no one can hurt me the way that you hurt me again. I know that one day I'll be able to read those messages and not be so angry at you for lying to me when you told me you would never hurt me. I know one day I'll be able to think about hearing the words "I loved you" come out of your mouth and feeling like I turned into cement. I know one day time will start again and I wont be stuck in the brain of that vulnerable little girl who really thought that if she loved you enough she could make you a good person.

I dont miss you. I miss life being as easy as beleiving that being in love could be enough. I dont read over those messages because I want you back, I read over those messages because I want her back.