Secrets to My Little Soul

Dear Jenny,

You are such a sweet and kind little thing. Yes, little. In fact, as I write to you at age 43, I weigh less little I did when I was in college; and I’m now taking much better care of myself. You will forever get picked on for being “skinny”, so don’t worry about that, for goodness sake. I know that’s your number one concern, at age 7. In fact, don’t worry at all. I do it now, and it solves nothing. If you start young, you can start practicing “letting go” and help us both out. As it turns out, aunt Kathy was right, even though you hated hearing it, “Life isn’t fair”. In fact, all the name calling and self-serving cruelty of children will be found in many adults.

Because, Secret #1) Many People Never Grow Up:

They take their experiences and the perspectives conceived by them; and carry both into the future like a little kid skipping down the lane books hanging in a satchel, tied to a branch. There is also an invisible satchel, however, and in it lies all the mental and emotional impressions seductively whispering to us; visions of who we are thus far. Many people coddle and store these impressions as though they were a fine wine; our essence distilled by wishes...and vanity. Yet, all too often the visions we create are poison in colorful bottles, they are irresistible. They inebriate us from sound decision, they discourage honest reflection and dissuade us from the most necessary changes. We grab at these bottles when we are children, not knowing the difference between the wholesome and the empty; but they grow into adult behaviors, often in the form of addiction. Whether to something tangible or simply an idea, it interferes with the growing up unless the poisons are discovered, and then drank little by little, as if creating an antidote, until finally, some people are able to digest them. It is then they are finally free of the invisible satchel, and lighten the other, only taking the knowledge from the books, and leaving both nearly empty, for new experiences and treasures to fill both. Those that don’t, become burdened and tired, angry and sad, and live a nightmare until death wakes them.

Secret #2) Boys and Alcohol both will Hurt You:

Your thinness will always cause women to dislike you and will not be sexually attractive in a world full off T and A, (Believe me, it gets worse)...so you will use alcohol to give you false courage and allow males to give you false hope. You will do this with men for around 20 years, and just a little longer with alcohol. Again, help us both out. Don’t. Drink. Ever. You aren’t like the others. In so many ways, my sweet, darling, innocent girl. You are so smart, so unique, and I know, you will always feel alone, so learn to love yourself, now. Growing up, you will hear our culture paints qualities such as “unique” in colors designed to make it seem like the unique person lives an endless day at an amusement park. But the experiences that create the unique individual are often far darker, more disturbing hues.

I know you were sodomized before you taught yourself to read, and just as you will be abused by so many people in your childhood, you will always find a refuge in books. Don’t settle for only being a consumer of books, the forge of your experiences demand that you be a producer of ideas and stories, as well. So keep your journals now. The good, the bad, keep it all. Great writing rarely comes from great times. Don’t lose your journal when you go to NYC in the early 2000′s and live on the carnival-like streets for 3 months. That journal will document far more haunted houses than fun houses, but losing this record will be like losing a friend that helped you through one of the trials of your life.

Yes, Sweetie, that will happen. Do you see the severity of the situation, yet? This three-month-long journey is the second you have taken at this point. The first was across country. That was when Grandpa died and you followed Further and Phish. The second was when your first love who was actually a sociopathic drug addict, broke your heart. You will also go twice to AZ with no real plan, to a beautiful place named Sedona. The last trip will almost work. However, Sedona will have changed, and you will still be drinking, so the decisions wont be clear and firm because you were will be so lost and will not see the opportunities, due to your foggy lenses.

But now, well, those masks that freaked you out in that comic? The ones worn in what you later figured out was a dark joke re nuclear war, well similar ones are required to go into stores now. Or you could get sick, or get others sick, and so many are dying. So you were right to be freaked out by that comic and you were right about something like this going down in your lifetime, but being right only means one thing...you should write more. So that you will not go through life feeIing like Cassandra, the unheeded prophetess, but being heard, like a Tall and Confident Oracle. Your voice is tiny but it is worthy. It took a little girl to teach the whole world that, when she embarks on a journey to save the environment. So, use your voice, because those boys will make you feel so unimportant, and you will let them, always holding an ember of hope that the next one will be different.

Little one, it gets really bad. What you allow to be done to you, the shame, the cycling, the increasingly frightening environments, as alcohol is no longer enough to kill the pain. Then the dark hours come. They will wash you out into the cruel sea and you will swim endless hours against riptides before you reach shore again, Your Beautiful Grandma will already be dead, and you will be barely living until it takes two DWIs to wake you up. Then she sends what looks like an Angel to guide you through. And he does, and you guide him. I ask you, have patience with this one more in the beginning. Trust him. Don’t do to him what the world has almost succeeded in doing to you. Because it is by not loving and trusting, but instead listening to your minds’ seditious whispering that will keep your hands grasping at poisons inside that invisible satchel take all your focus, that you put this relationship in a tenuous position, where it constantly feels like it needs saving, almost 8 years later. That brings me to my third and final Secret.

Secret #3) Find Yourself and Dont let Go:

You will not always have your Grandma. Know that, as you read this, that words not yet spoken are already written in a book. A book about living in harmony with yourself and nature, that we wrote. Keep reading the book you own, the one that teaches kids what they can do to save the planet. Then act on it. For you are right in fearing for our animals and plants, and you must start your mission to save them, now. For, as I write this I look back on all the time wasted chasing smoke signals, and you could have been creating your own light, and through that fire, lighting the whole world with the same compassion you hold for its voiceless inhabitants. You, being so brave and surviving so much, it doesn’t end; but the thriving may soon come. And, oh the stories we now have to write.

So, as you don’t recognize yourself as the author, for your name has changed, I know you do resonate with these words. I sent you this book to beg you to follow your own drum and don’t let them crush you. The book is written, but the ink is not yet dried; and in your innocence, you still have the ability to edit and change the path of your narrative. Start meditation, now, and continue not to eat meat. Don’t give in to a time period that does not comprehend you, yet, and perhaps never will. Take those art classes, and become who you are meant to be, instead of consuming knowledge in the form of more schooling only to accumulate debt. You did not have a father to install confidence in you, so you will have to do it yourself. It will make things so much easier. And oh yes, we will still have stories to tell, but in each one, you will be a hero, and never a victim. So, embrace your passions and morals, and inscribe them in your soul; then find out how to live that life. The one where you only have what you need and all you see is love.

Love,

You

XxxxxxxxxOoooooooo

P.S. Someone will steal your Curious George doll received from Santa, your 3rd Christmas; from your dorm in your second college. Don’t let them. You’ll miss him, and he goes on so many adventures with you before he goes away. Japan was his favorite. So was your Grammie, who you will hear, calling you, Jenny, once again. later on when you are finally able to hear past this noisy world. Right now, it’s so quiet. We are all, inside. I believe love will win, soon.