Puffy Eyes

You don’t know where I am. You don’t even know if I am alive. But that’s okay, because I don’t know if you’re dead. Of all the people to worry about, to let my mind retreat to. Of all the souls, hearts, and minds that I have selfishly meddled with… I always come back to you. Fuck. I hate that I forgot how to spell your name, if it’s “e and a” or “e and e”. And I’ll never know the correct way again since I will never speak to you again. Can you believe it’s been almost a year since we last heard each other’s voices? Since we last let our words embrace the other and give pleasure that we will never experience the equivalent of in the real world? I hate it. I want so desperately to hate you. On my darkest nights, I wished I never met you. That what ever it was that I felt for you never infected me. I can still feel it. I remember that pain. That bliss. Don’t you remember it too? I was too young. Now, a year later, I’m too old. I am too old for love. It sickens me how much it hurts, how true it felt with you. And I lied to you. For two years. I was a crime in your world as much as you were in mine. But you didn’t seem to care. Neither did I as talking to you was the same as stepping through the wardrobe. Imagine if we met. If we touched. I think about the nights we spent together. Hours upon hours of passion that will never amount to anything more than words on screens. I looked for you this past summer. I tried to dream about you. I cried about you. I hated myself because of you. You were my happiness, it turns out. And I despised myself for pushing you away, making you leave, making you cry. I remember that time you told me I made you cry. A year later, I sometimes wonder if it was a lie because you lied to me more than I did you. But I can’t believe that you would lie about something so unnecessary to be lied about. The times my heart ached and my head hurt and I could not sleep and I cried until I passed out just to wake up with the puffiest eyes. That was usually because of you. And I really don’t want to admit that. Because nothing - no person - should ever make me cry, make me hurt like that. No one. But you did. Because I loved you. I don’t love you anymore. At least, not the way I used to. I love you like a memory of an ancient autumn day that I will never live again. I love you like one of the best lessons I have ever learned or the truest quote that has ever graced my ears. I learned what I had to from you and now I am older and - dare I say - wiser as well. Thank you for being my best.

*This has nothing to do with the day I had, but it brings tears to my eyes all the same. Plus, I had this lying around on a platform that wouldn't appreciate it and figured it would be a waste of emotion-vomit to leave it there.* [Written on mobile.]