maybe im a coward (but a coward doesnt try)

its 3 am and i think maybe maybe i should be sleeping but

im not sure i care anymore.

its me again and i might just be crazy and i might just be stupid

but i think i like it at 3 am because all of it is gone. but if its just me

and my light of my phone then theres no excuse for all those read-mes i left

behind in the haze that is life nowadays. and i promise i promise im getting 

to them someday but its just too much.

its 3 am and i think if i close my eyes when i open them my mind

is clear and im beside someone, maybe you, and maybe in this better reality

i remember how to form a smile and maybe i could even touch your hand.

i promise i promise im not weird or creepy and i know i wasnt this way before

but exhaustion catches up with one at some point, and i could stop pretending

were all okay.

its 3 am and im getting tired just looking at all the emails i forgot to reply to

but i cant muster the energy to say hello or maybe how im doing i guess.

im scrolling to the end of my dms and i find ours and im sorry im sorry i didnt

answer six months ago and i care i promise

(but if you care why dont you say so?)

its easier to walk past. its easier to move forward and say ill get to it later and

im sorry for doing whats easy. im sorry im sorry and i know you said i dont need to

apologize but im trying to do whats good and right now so why is it so hard

to reach out again.

(i know i said id stop but why does it feel like such a lie why people say

'my dms are always open' because your dms are open i guess thats true

but my heart is closed im sorry im sorry)

its 3 am and im scrolling through twitter again and yeah i know its not 

the greatest use of my time  or the best habit but do i honestly have

the strength to do anything else? my timeline is full of sorrow and i dont know

how to say 'im so so sorry i just dont have the strength or the money

to help you and im so so sorry but sometimes it feels like i cant handle

the responsibility of another tragedy' in tweet form.

(there are just some things you cant put into words.)

its 3 am and i inevitably open our dm again.

theres no such thing as electronic silence yet here it is and its powerful

and i dont want to disturb the Six months ago that sits above your last text.

and maybe im a coward for that.

but i whisper to myself a coward doesnt try, letting my finger hit the input bubble.

i tell you i cant describe the weights shifting my chest when i tapped in

hello.

and a new bubble popped up.

hey again!

and its 3 am and i think my heart opens a bit.