Benjamin, My Love

Dear Benjamin,

I know this letter may seem a little out of the blue. We haven’t really spoken to one another in many years, but it’s time that I told you the truth about me. About us. You see, it may have been at least 10 years since our last conversation, it really seems it was only yesterday for me. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t imagined your handsome face, your kind eyes, and the beautiful way you walk and talk. 

What I’m saying is that I’m in love with you.

I loved you from the very moment we met outside of Mr Hamphire’s classroom at Ridgetown Middle School. I was the new girl, feeling awkward and shy around all the new people, and you were the nicest boy I had ever met. Connie Jenkins had knocked my books out of my hands on purpose, and you stopped in the hall to help me pick them up. You saw my journal where I wrote my poems and short stories. I was so embarrassed to see your eyes skim a line of writing, and you asked me, “Are you a writer?” I nodded, feeling my face blush, and I remember it so clear. Your hand brushed mine as you handed back my journal, “I’d like to read your stuff someday. You seem like you’re really good at it.” I felt my heart leap out of my chest, and I could have flown on angel wings to my next class. 

I wrote you a poem that day. I wrote out my most epic piece of poetry using all of my talent, my passion, and every ounce of critical writing to make it perfect. I went home to my computer and found a picture of you on your profile. For the longest time, I had a picture of you and a copy of my poem in a little frame that I kept beneath my pillow. I have no idea what my dad would have done if he had known I had a crush on one of the boys in my class, so you were my special secret for many years. I wrote you many stories and poems over the years that I kept in a shoebox in my closet. Maybe one day, I can read them to you. 

Do you remember Connie Jenkins? She was the biggest bully and was always wanting attention from all the boys. But you were always so pure and faithful. She’d shove girls in the hallway, prance around with her skirt too high up, and like to show that she was one of the first girls in our grade to be visited by the boob fairy over the summer. But you never noticed, Benjamin. My dear, sweet Benjamin, you saw right through her games and ignored her. Do you remember what happened to her? She ended up transferring to another school in our junior year of high school. Don’t worry, my sweet Benjamin, I was always protecting you from her games. I’m sure she’ll never darken your doorway, again.

Senior year, I almost had you all to myself. I saw you glance my way a lot in homeroom, so I know you were wondering if I noticed you. I noticed you every day with your adorable blue school blazer, pleated slacks, and shiny brown shoes. Your dark hair always seemed to have a slight cowlick in the back where it would be hard to see in the mirror. I imagined what it would be like to smooth out your hair for you as you left my home in the morning. I’m blushing as I write this. I don’t want you to think I’m a prude or anything, Benjamin. I was a teenage girl after all, and you were the handsomest boy in school. My favorite part of the day would be when I would secret away one of your pencils from your backpack. Remember how you used to chew on your pencils in math? It felt so good to put my mouth over your bite marks, and I could almost taste what your mouth tasted like.

My heart was breaking towards the end of senior year, knowing that you would be leaving my life forever. But then you gave me your message. Remember Benjamin? Remember as you passed my table at lunch. You accidently bumped my table and apologized profusely. You were always so kind and considerate. Then you told me, “Hey, have you chosen which college you’re going to? I think I’m going to Kansas State.” Well, I remember you had said it to your friend, what’s his face, it doesn’t matter, but you were looking at ME when you said it. You were asking me, begging me even, to see if I was going to the same college as you.

So, when I got home, I filled out a full application for Kansas State university, and I may have fibbed just a little bit to make myself sound better, but it was all to make sure I wouldn’t disappoint you! On your first day of college, I wanted to surprise you and let you know that you wouldn’t have to be alone. Dad was furious when he found out that I wanted to go to college. He has this thing about us girls being “too educated” or whatever. He has this whole group of people at Temple he talks to about how men should be the master of every household and be dominant of every woman in his home. I think you would be an amazing husband and father, Benjamin. I know if my father would have met you, he would have loved you almost as much as I do.

I hope you will be able to forgive me, Benjamin, because I must confess something. I was at a loss for what classes to sign up for and had to do quite a bit of detective work to find out your classes. I wanted it all to be a surprise! Please don’t think I’m creepy or following you! i would hate to think of you imagining me with any other intention than my unconditional love for you. I found your acceptance letter in the glove compartment of your car, and I found copies of your class schedule in the trash of your parents home. I also found that you accidently threw out one of your baseball tshirts that you wear to bed. I kept it very safe for you and will return it to you when I see you next.

I know you saw me on our first day at Kansas! You turned and recognized me as you were talking to one of your professors. I must have looked so silly, blushing and waving shyly, but you were very kind and waved back. I tried so many times to talk to you, but we always seemed to be interrupted by one of your friends, a professor, or a crowd of freshman tours. But i needn’t have worried, my sweet Benjamin, because you found me! I remember it so well, “Hey, we went to high school together.” I could barely speak above a whisper. You just came out in front of everyone and admitted we had a history. I was so embarrassed but so flattered that you wanted to show me off to everyone around us, “Yes.” You smiled your brilliant smile, “Well, glad to see a familiar face. What’s your major?” I mumbled, “Math.” I love when you smile at me like that, “Hey, me too. Well, see you around.”

Once again, I found myself falling for you all over again. The way you walked away from me so confident made your allure all the stronger. You walked the way dad walks after he’d won an argument with my mom. Like you were on top of the world without a care in the world. Yeah, mom may have had a bloody nose or concussion, but that’s hardly the point. You don’t talk back to a man who has everything going for him. And, Benjamin, you had me wrapped around your finger. If you want to kiss me or slap me, I would consider it all a declaration of the amazing man you are.

Oh! I only just remembered an embarrassing story about my roommate. You see, I brought my shoebox of poems and stories for you with me to college, hoping I would have a chance to show you. My roommate, the cow, thought she would “borrow” a pair of shoes from me and happened to open the wrong box. She read them! She got her dirty fingers all over my precious writings for you, and she started accusing me of some terrible things! She threatened to call the school board on me, but I was able to calm her down enough for her to see reason. It took some strangling, but sealed lips don’t tell false stories, my dearest Benjamin. I’m just glad she didn’t find the story about the one time I snuck into the boy’s locker room. Don’t worry! I didn’t peek! I’m not a weirdo, Benjamin. I just wanted to borrow some of your things to help me remember you over summer vacation. Your deodorant is still one of my favorite things to spread on my skin everyday.

Oh, Benjamin, I wish this could be the part of my letter where I say that you finally realized who i was and came to me with your heart full of love for me, too, but I’m afraid this is the worst part of the story. I was so mad at you for a long time. Not anymore! I’ve forgiven you many times for what you put me through, and I understand it wasn’t your fault. We were at the Kappa Delta Phi mixer together, and some basic slut had her hands all over you! Touching your hair and chest like she was a dog in heat! I was furious! How could you stand to be in such close proximity to that horrid, disgusting, immoral, attention-hogging, sorry excuse for a female. You both spent so much time together, that I was afraid you had forgotten about me. But I still caught you glancing my way. Did you know I was watching you? Did you know that my heart was tearing to pieces? Was this somehow to make me jealous? Did you know that some of my poems were less than kind about how you were treating me? You didn’t need to do any of it! My love for you never needs to be tested! I love you with the unconditional love of a woman clinging to an anchor in a storm! 

And then you married her. I sat in the back of the church yard, sobbing into my handkerchief. You were so handsome and that whore was wearing white, ironically. I saw her that night when you both were in the hot tub. She did NOT learn those things by hearing about them. But I’ve forgiven you, my sweet Benjamin. The whore of Babylon has swallowed many in the grave of her misdeeds. And that’s when I discovered that you never gave up on me. Oh! How my soul was rejuvenated and my headaches and heartache lifted like the sunrise after a night of war. I passed by you in the store. I made it look as if I was purposefully ignoring you, but I saw you glance at me. You caught my eye, and you stared deep into my soul. I heard your thoughts, my beloved Benjamin. You spoke with your eyes!

Help me.

I’m trapped.

Save me.

I’ve always loved you.

Then you turned and sped away. Your eyes said too much in the silence. Don’t be embarrassed! I understood everything after that! That whore had trapped you in a relationship. She must have told you she was pregnant or that she would kill herself if you left her. My sweet, naive Benjamin, women will go to any lengths to make you stay with them. And you in all of your kind-hearted, compassion fell into her trap. I’ve been working so hard to release you. To free you from her devil clawed grasp! And now we can finally be together.

The witch is dead, Benjamin! I ran her through like I did Connie Jenkins with my scissors. I strangled both her demon-spawn like I did my nosy roommate. Please don’t cry, Benjamin. I will give you all the children you want. Plus, I don’t think those tiny brats were yours anyway. Like I said, sluts will do anything to keep you around. My only regret is that my father won’t get to meet you. You see, after he killed my mother after she couldn’t keep her mouth shut, he needed another woman to dominate to assert his role as a man. Well, I accidently dropped one of the poems I had written for you, and he figured it out pretty quickly. He said he would murder you for taking my purity, but protected you. Just like a real man, it took nearly FOUR gunshots to kill him. I wonder how many gunshots you could take, my rugged manly-man. Oh, don’t be silly. You have nothing to fear from me. I love you, remember!? We’ll be together forever!

What you don’t know is that this is all a surprise for you. No doubt you’re standing outside your doorway, reading all of this note, wondering when we can finally confess our love for one another. I’m here, my beloved Benjamin! Just outside your door. Ready to finally make our life complete and have the romantic ending you always dreamed of. 

All my love,

Your Soul